Best of the Barksdales

Uniquely Barksdale

2011-12-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

So let me paint the scene for you. Young mom ( yes, thats me even if I did just turn 28, thats still young right?), a 2 1/2 year old with the energy of track star and the mannerisms of a bull in a china shop and then a young 4 month old baby who just likes to sit and coo and smile. Add a busy grocery store filled with a lot of people with one thing on their mind, and sprinkle in a couple of people who are obviously not in the Christmas spirit if you know what I mean. If there had been a before and after shot it would have looked like this. On the left side you would have a mom who knows better in blue jeans, navy shirt with no stains, pony tail and mascara on and on the right, blue jeans now have a wet spot from a potty "accident", mascara on the right eye smeared from tears spilled over a run in with the cart, smudges on the shirt, a mess of hair that is now a poor excuse for a pony tail. This may seem like an average outing for a mom of two but there is something about this experience that is uniquely Barksdale. If you know anything about our family you know that every outing, or every day for that matter is an experience in itself and just, uniquely Barksdale.
What I mean by uniquely Barksdale is that things are always a little more exciting when one of our family members is around. Let me explain. The Lord is so good and has blessed us with a young, strong willed girl who has the bluest eyes that sparkle and a head of very blonde hair that on an average day drapes down to her shoulders, with bangs that have a wave to them that never really sit right and a "rats nest" in the back that forms every time she sleeps. This two year old has a scar smack dab in the middle of her forehead that speaks of an incident where she fought a coffee table and obviously lost.
(something tells me she will have many more of these throughout her lifetime) The Lord is so good and has blessed us with a little girl who loves life, loves her mommy and daddy and her Bubba and really loves everyone for that matter. She likes to talk to anyone and everyone and share and pass on her joy for life. Today was no different.

Today was uniquely Barksdale, uniquely Evie. I should have known it would be a long trip when after 30 minutes in the store I only had 2 of the 5 items on my list. I also had an additional 4-5 other items including but not limited to mens aftershave, a pink balloon that said, "Happy Hanukah", a can of beans and a gift bag that had been "picked" up as we strolled around. I was so sure I was going to make this an in and out trip and that we would have no problems but I usually like to lie to myself so that I can stay positive. I am learning that my mindset and thoughts are very powerful , so why not keep it positive? :)
It started off pretty good, Frozen green beans? Check! Purple balloons? Check! But wait, something wasnt right, the weight in the cart had shifted and when I peered around Hudson's car seat I found my ray of sunshine sharing her joy with the world. Let me explain a little further. Evie had fixed herself in the front of the shopping cart car ( the ones at Kroger that are supposed to keep the kids occupied, obviously it doesn't do much for my child) like a hood ornament and was hanging out waving to anyone and everyone and telling them hello and if they didn't respond she would talk louder and say hello again, even louder and then add in an occasional "Merry Christmas" and top if off with a high five. Don't worry, she only scared a couple elderly people and made quite a few smile. "I am truly blessed", I thought, "I have a beautiful girl who loves life, loves people and wants to share that." I should have held onto that fact as the shopping experience went on.
What happened next was stealth like. All of a sudden she was next to me, without shoes on mind you, and she was saying, " Mommy, im a big girl BUT I just went potty in the car!" She looked so embarrassed and I knew this was not a time to reprimand but to love. So what did I do? What any smart, quick thinking mom would do. I got my handy dandy wipes, cleaned up the mess and once I had assessed her "situation" and noticed there was only a small wet spot I got one of Hudson's diapers and stuffed it in her pants. Talk about some baby junk in the trunk. Before you go and freak out about me not changing her, know that she was like Houdini and her diaper wasn't even wet but she had still gone potty... don't ask me how it happened Im still trying to figure it out. ( and no it wasnt in there before. I checked and wiped it out before she got in, but I digress). After I got that "situation" under control and she had shown a couple people her extra padding we walked on to get the 3rd thing on the list, Rolos. The candy aisle was our next stop. As I wheeled my way through the aisle with my oversized load, if you have ever tried to steer one of those shopping carts you know what Im talking about, I spotted the Rolos at the same time Evie spotted the M&Ms. I told her she could not have any candy and asked her to stay in the car. Thinking I had it covered I went around the other side to pick up the bag of chocolates. Noticing there were some snickers coming from a couple next to us, I turned around to see Evie's lower half was hanging out of the car and she was trying to pick up the package of candy with her feet!!! As I stood in disbelief, Evie looked up at me and proudly said " look mom, I'm still in the car!" As I tried to maneuver between the display of pumpkin pies and my cart to put back up the candy my "footloose" child had gotten off the shelf,I ran smack dab into the car door and hit the snot out of my knee. I thought to myself, " Lord give me the strength. I just want to finish shopping with out any more stress or any more incidents". By this point my I know I was looking tired, and the throbbing in my knee that was turning into a limp was getting old. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I had gotten items 1-4 and I had one left, Hudson's nose spray. Off we went to the pharmacy. Along the way we picked up about 10 other items and had to put back about half of those. Once we made it to the other end of the store I stopped the cart to get the nose spray. When I looked down I had to laugh to keep from crying. It looked as though my daughter was about to start a her own drug ring with the huge "stash" she had just accumulated. We had antacids, cold and flu remedies, a pair of glasses, you name it, if it was on the bottom shelf it was in the cart. " Lord give me strength", I muttered. After putting back the "stash" and having to explain why we dont have to take everything from the bottom shelf my beautiful girl put her hands on my face and said, "Mommy! You are the best!" And kissed me.
" Lord, thank you for the strength, thank you for the blessing that is so uniquely Evie"
And that was it, I had my 5 items plus around 20 more and all under an hour and a half but I also had one more thing, a lesson learned. You see the Lord has given me so much. So much more than I deserve. He has given me a beautiful daughter whose name means "life". And a beautiful daughter who loves life and wants to share it with others. And that is when it hit me. He has also given me a Savior who gave me life, who wanted me to have abundant life and wanted me to share it with others. You see it doesnt matter who we were, who we are or who we are going to be. It doesnt matter if you have a banged up life or a "stash" of stuff you are trying to hide, or "extras" you had picked up over the years. He knows about them and He loves you anyway. He loves us, and he has sent his Son who died for us, despite us. He is life and he wants us to have life in Him. So my beautiful Evlyn Grace daily reminds me that she is uniquely her, created by a Savior who fashioned her to be uniquely Evie. With her image created by him and in him, with her personality formed by Him and with her energy and curiosity given to her by Him. And everytime she looks at me with those sparkling blue eyes that light up when she smiles and grabs my face and gives me sweet kisses, I hear him telling me, " I love you my child, Im proud of you, You are the best. And despite your "stash", your "extras", your "bang ups", "limps and pains". I love you and have created you to be uniquely you."
What a great lesson to learn and to remember.

Unsuccessfully self reliant to reliant upon HIM

2011-12-08T09:52:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I’m good at its being unsuccessfully self reliant. I mean I’m so good at it that if given the chance I could win a gold medal. The course that I would have to run would just be a replay of my life and all that I’ve gone through and attempted to govern and rule on my own. There would be some pits, some hills, mountains and valleys and by the end of it I would be covered in dirt, mud, grime and defeat would be the medal I would wear around my neck.... so why do I sign myself up for this? I mean if anyone knows me they probably know that I LOVE to work out and that I run almost every day but is this really a fitness exercise I want to conquer or train for? Why do I continually enter this race just to be the winner of the WORST marathon ever? Why am I not CONTINUALLY "running with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith." ( Hebrews 12)? I am continually putting my hope in things of this world that will fail. I know this and yet I find myself racing after them, trying to fix things, manipulate things and make them work to my advantage. Again let me repeat, I am a gold medal winner in "unsuccessful self reliance". Has 28 years of cuts, scrapes and bruises not taught me anything? Well yes it has taught me something. That my hope is to be in Christ. The pioneer and perfector of faith, my sweet Lord who knew that I would continue to fall and yet still loves me and pursues me. Sweet Christ, my Savior who, as he hung on that cross, hung there as my sins, my mess ups, my self reliance, my pride were the nails that kept him up there. Wow how undeserving am I of this? And yet his salvation is freely given DESPITE me. And yet I am continually trying to be in charge of my life and win the prize daily for the marathon from H-E- double hockey sticks...

At church we are going through an Advent series of devotionals each week. Something that the Lord laid on my heart, a question that hit me right in the heart and was reinforced by a sweet friend last night was where I am putting my hope? And it was compounded by the fact that the Lord ALWAYS PROVIDES. The Lord is a promise-making and promise-keeping God. While reading through Genesis 22 it talks about the promises of the Lord and those made to Abraham. Abraham had his hope placed in the Lord, nothing came above that, the Lord was all he needed. The Lord will provide, the Lord does provide.... why do I forget this? What good thing would the Father withhold from uys if He has given us His only Son? Knowing this why do I run to the next fix, the next person, relationship, event, product, to fill the void that only he can fill? Ecclesiastes tells us that he has placed eternity in the hearts of men. So i will never be fully satisfied until I am in glory with him. So as life twists and turns what is my life saving device? What keeps me afloat? What is my hope anchored in? My God, my Savior, my promise-keeping God whose time table is so much better than mine. I was reading the other day that our lives can be explained like this, " as a person who has their nose pressed up against a stain glass window. From their point of view all that can be seen are blurry images and splashes of color. But the Lord views and leads our lives looking at the entire stain glass window that is full of grace, beauty, pictures and color. So again the Holy Spirit whispers, " Follow, place your hope in the Lord, he sees the beauty, the vision the plan,.Abide, follow" And my response? "Oh no Lord, you see I’ve got it all figured out, I can only see right in front of me and I really enjoy running this brutal race but don’t worry, I can figure it out." All this as I fall, fumble, stumble, and face plant through the obstacles of life.... Spoken by a true gold medal winner.

Here is something I’m finding though, as doors open and close, as seasons come and life moves on, He is working, He is always working. He always keeps his promises, and He always keeps them perfectly. It says in our devotional that trust in these facts changes the way we endure seasons of waiting. We can know that God uses times of waiting to increase and strengthen our belief, longing and boldness of our asking. So what if as I start to let go, place my hope in Him become successfully reliant upon Him and wait? Then I will see that he is working and he is keeping his promises. All around me He is guiding my path, he is walking me through this marathon of life, he is what I race after. And that my fellow racers, my friends who are beat up and bruised, that is a race worth training for and worth running daily!

my vision

2011-10-25T08:10:00.001-07:00

I’ve been using Advocare products for almost 10 years now, off and on. Yes, I got weight loss, yes I got energy. This is the first time, though, when I should be dead tired and unable to move, unable to function, with a 2 1/2 year old, a 2 month old ,a full time job and calling to be a full time mom and wife, that I feel healthy and energetic and my body is changing and toning up and losing weight. If I can get everyone to feel this way, the rest will be history. This product represents hope and a future. It’s going to allow me to stay home one day, help me to be a good steward of my time, money and body. And allow me to spread a message that needs to be heard. I feel lucky that I have been allowed to see and have a vision, a passion, a purpose that will change the world, one heart, one body, one soul at a time. You see I am not here to sell a product, it’s not about the sale but the soul, I’m here to share vision, share passion and share a message of HOPE.

A vision seems so clear at times. A calling that you hear, that you feel with every fiber of your body. That is the Lord grabbing you and saying, “ get ready, my faithful servant, get ready, prepare yourself for this journey, draw close to me. I have given you this vision , allowed you to see part of what I have in store. I have allowed you to hear from me. NOW TRUST, step out in faith, take action and allow me to lead. It’s not going to be easy, there are going to be ups and downs but the one constant, powerful, never ending promise in this is ME. Listen, search, call out, follow, act....”

What is your purpose? To bring him glory in all you do and say and think. Are you taking care of the things that from all of this flows? Your body, your heart, your mind, your temple! Getting those things healthy allows you to be used in ways you may have never imagined. Oh but the awesome thing is that the Lord imagined it, he planned it that way! He has it stored up and ready and his purpose will prevail. It’s going to happen with or without you, so prepare. Don’t let fear hold you back. What are you doing, what lies are you listening to that are holding you back from following, from taking action?

You see I serve a mighty God that is higher and mightier, more beautiful and worthy of praise than anyone or anything else out there. And this is who I am to listen to, to follow, to love and worship. I’m not to worship, love or exalt man, who in Matthew 10:28 it tells us, “do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. And in Isaiah 2:22 it tells us, “ Stop regarding man in whose nostrils is breath, for of what account is he?” When it comes to Advocare IF I allow others comments of “oh it’s just a pyramid scheme”, or “oh that won’t last”, or “you want me to pay that much for that?!” get me down or if I don’t act or share because of a fear of what people think or say because they may not yet understand. Then I am giving in and the enemy is winning. How about you? How about your calling? How can you not share what the Lord is doing in your heart and in your body? This is matter of life and death on so many levels and we are called to share what he has given us, shared with us, saved us from with everybody through the ends of the earth.

Advocare is providing me and providing others with an outlet to share and love on people through this vision, through this message. Oh don’t get me wrong my friend, the journey is long, the going will be tough, but when it gets tough if my vision, my purpose, my calling is there and I am focused on Him and I see and hear the calling and the goal he has set in my life, then I will be able to push forward. IF the realization he has awoken in my heart, the call to bring him glory through this product, this opportunity, this passion is something that is buried deep inside who I am and what I believe then trust that I will be able to stay the course a lot easier.

In my Christian walk I am called to persevere. Hebrews 12:1-2 says Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto JESUS, the author and finisher of our faith who for the joy that was set before HIM endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of GOD.

You see I am not working towards an earthly prize, I’m not striving to get the next new car, the next big house. Those things may come and they may not but I am called to run the race, with endurance, to be more like him, be conformed in his image and share what we know, despite how it turns out. (Great thing about Advocare is that these things can come and turn out that way :))

What do I know? I know I have found freedom in my life in many ways. First, freedom from bondage of sin, freedom from a world that wants to hold me down, hold me back, freedom from Satan who wants me to wallow in my sin and not move. But friend, I’m a mover and a shaker. I walk daily in a world that is being and has been ravaged by sin. But I offer a message of hope that the battle has been won. I walk in victory, my God has won the battle and he’s coming back one day. I am going to share that message, that He is the only way, he is the only true thing he is freedom I seek. Without him nothing else matters. What else do I know? I know that Advocare is a company, a product, a way of life that God is working through, that has allowed people to find freedom from debt, stresses in their lives, freedom from the prison that was their body, and has offered and is offering hope. A hope that you can feel healthy, a hope that you can have energy, a hope that you can spend more quality time with your family, a hope that you can lose the weight that is holding you back. It’s a product that has and is continuing to change lives, offering hope and spreading the message of freedom. The great thing is that it’s all based on the foundation of the ONE who is FREEDOM and who does offer hope, and that is how it should be.

What is your vision? What is your purpose? Step out in faith today and see how he is moving.

Go with the flow?

2011-10-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

Today as I left for school I was in a rush, we now START school at 7:30 and I like to get there around 30-45 minutes early so my ETA is around 645. This means i need to leave the house around 630 and I need to get up around 5. The time was 631, (" Darn its already late", i thought), the place was the living room, those involved, Hudson and myself, the issue.... a major pee and spit up situation. Put all these together and you get a messy mom, a now happy baby boy and a clock that is not very forgiving. So how do I compromise? How do I go with the flow? I improvise of course! If you know anything about parenting ( still learning, but I have picked up a couple pointers here and there) you know that you need to be able to change plans at a moments notice, not get very attached to certain "looks" or objects and learn how to think on your feet! My plan? Change out of my jeans that I just washed and finally fit back into post baby and change into...drumroll please.... maternity pants that I had in the back of my car ready to give to a friend expecting in January. How do you fit you may ask? How did i fashion this new look since I dont have what I use to that would fill it out? I also found my belly band ( look it up if you dont know what im takling about ) and folded down the orgininal band on the pants and covered it up with my other belly band. I am pretty much banded out now! I was so proud of myself and not to mention pretty comfortable in my loser-fitting, spit up and pee- free clothing:) I was going with the flow. But as I was riding to school I was praying and thinking and if im being honest patting myself on the back for being so quick to change and bend with what the world had thrown at me this morning and it hit me. Yes I prided myself on being able to go with the flow and bend at a moments notice but in my christian walk I am called to something completely different. I am called to stand firm in my devotion to the Lord and all I am called to be as a follower of Christ. I am to stay obedient to his calling and his direction. How often though do I "go with the flow", bend at a moments notice so as not to cause a problem or have to deal with the uncomfortable situation put upon me? While it may not seem like the same thing, we daily are getting "spit up " upon by the world and the way it sees things and the standards that it lives by and while it may be more comfortable to walk around in our "clean" and "acceptable" outfit by the worlds standards, is that what we have been called to? The great thing though is that we have a High Priest that as Hebrews 4:15 says sympathizes with us. He has been tested and has proven himself sinless. He has won the battle, he has beaten the "spit up" of the world and overcome it. We walk in a battle already won at the cross. And our example of Christ is one that shows devotion to the Lords calling as he did on giving his life on the cross. He knows we are going to have rough mornings and times when it isnt fun to be uncomfortable or "dirty" by the worlds standards but if we stay true and steadfast the outcome is so much better and more than we can imagine. So i challenge you to stay obedient, dont go with the flow so easily and really dive into what you have been hearing him tell you and follow. Its awesome to see how the Lord uses the weak, the "dirty" those covered in "spit up" and much more to accomplish his purpose and bring him glory!

Love yall all

I am the poster child for "MOTHERS OF TWO"!

2011-09-01T06:31:00.000-07:00

So we are almost at the one month mark of Hudson James' birth!! Its been so exciting so far. Its also been tiring at times. Its crazy for me to sit down here and think the Lord has blessed me with the awesome responsibility of raising these two beautiful, wonderful kids! As I sit here I have been thinking of what the last month has entailed and wonder what is to come. I know what to expect up to age two for a girl. But now I have a boy, how different or similar will it be? i find myself laughing alot because what I have encountered up to this point could be part of a TV comedy series and definitely has me as the new Poster Child for the campaign " MOTHERS OF TWO". Go ahead, get a cup of your favorite Joe, curl up and enjoy the following events as they have played out in my house since August 7th. And I am willing to bet there a couple of you that could star in this comedy with me.

1. On more than on occasion I have been "target practice" for my son if you know what I mean. I never gave much thought to a diaper change with Evie but now its as if I have to be on point at all times, covering ALL angles and always prepared for an attack at any time from any place. I have been a casualty of war more times than I can count and I believe my clothes and bedding have been washed more because of "battle stains" rather than just being dirty from the day :)

2. Late night feedings are never a fun experience for those involved. If you think about it, the poor baby is woken out of their deep sleep to a realization that they are starving and the only way they can let you know this is by screaming at the top of their lungs, hoping you will answer their call. Put yourself in their position. Imagine you are dreaming about your favorite boy band dancing at your 16th or 30th bday in some cases, ( NKOTB, Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC, anyone? ) when all of a sudden you start jonesin' for some food, you cant get up and get it yourself, no one understands you and all you can do is scream...frustrating huh?

And then you have the mom or dad in some cases who are awoken to the screams. The difference is that they are not in a deep sleep, they may have been in REM for a couple minutes here and there but they have become light sleepers and know that sleep is rare gift during this stage.

Last week was one such experience for me. I had finally gotten Hud down and was drifting off into a light sleep when all of a sudden he loudly announced to me that he was hungry, or maybe that his diaper was dirty, or was it that his tummy hurt? Needless to say, I got 1, yes 1 hour of sleep that night while my baby boy worked through his frustrations :) Dont feel too bad for me though, I was able to watch the entire season 1 of Basketball wives, the entire season of Heavy and started on Pysch! I now know all the drama dealing with the women of the NBA, have seen the emotional battles of those who are morbidly obese and been able to laugh at the show of a fake psychic.

3. Both of my children have been victim to what I call the "diaper switch". On more than one occasion my daughter has had to walk away with a huge wedgie and very little covered for me to realize I tried to put one of Hudsons diapers on her. ( not newborns but he 3s that I have under the changing table) And poor Hud, being MAYBE 7 lbs, he has been wrapped up or should I say "swaddled" in Evie's 5s. Poor guy. But hey at least I now know what to do if we run out of clothes for him :)

4. Some of my friends have fallen victim to the text message errors. I am usually on my game and great at texting. Sometimes I pride myself in being able to text faster than my students. Lame, I know. But since Hud has been born my text messages have gone from swift, quick, and I'd like to think witty at times, answers to incoherent ramblings of a women who has been "shot" at, is craving for sleep like a fat kid craves cake, and who is now a mother of two :) I look back at some of my text messages and if i have been able to make out a sentence at times I have cussed at people, written the exact opposite of what i actually meant or not even responded to the correct person. I want to go ahead and publicly apologize to all involved.

5. Even as I write this, I am sitting in the same clothes from yesterday, I am eating my breakfast with Evie's Dora spoon and fork because I didnt want to have to do the dishes yet and they were the only thing left and I dont think this entire week's sleep has collectively equaled a full night's

sleep yet.

But to all this I say, Bring it on! Ill be glad to smile and pose as the poster child for the "MOTHER OF TWO" campaign. You may have to wake me up a couple times, clean up the "battle scars" of diaper duty and fix my hair for me during the shoot but hey ill be there.... a proud "MOTHER OF TWO"

Clinging and Reaching

2011-08-31T10:01:00.001-07:00

The other day I went over to my dear friends house so that we could catch up. She had gone to the Women of Faith conference and I couldnt wait to hear all about it. As she started to talk to the Lord's presence just covered me. Everything that she said was like he was standing right there beside her looking at me and saying it right to me. But of course that is what he was doing even if I couldnt see him. I love to see how He pursues me, finds me and speaks to me. Its no secret that I would love to be able to stay home with my kids more but that is not where the Lord has me right now. Its been a desire of mine for a while and today reality hit me pretty hard. For so long now I have been focusing soo much on my desires that I have given no thought to the Lord's desire or will for myself. Yes, I know that teaching is where I should be right now but I have been missing out on so much as I sulk in my present situation. I have been such a "grass is greener on the other side" type of girl that I am missing out on my voice, his calling and seeing his hand at work around me. For far too long I have been stuck in this rut. I sulk because I feel like my heart is not totally into teaching because I feel like now as a wife and mother of two I am not able to physically, mentally or emotionally give 100% to both teaching and my position at home and this kills me. So I do not know how to handle it and I take a step back and look for an out. But there isnt an out, there hasnt been one for a while. So why dont i just stop and wait and Abide in him? And there it is, there it is, that word, Abide. Websters defines Abide as " waiting for" or "bearing patiently", to "remain stable or fixed in a state" . I am here, I have been here, but one thing I am not doing well is waiting, patiently bearing, remaining stable. I am calling out and wriggling around like my two year old when she doesnt get her way. I am stomping my feet and saying Lord, help me. Show me where I should be where I should be. I know there is something you are preparing me for so why do I feel like I am in idle? And all along I have daily and I literally mean daily the Lord telling me, Abide in me. Abide in me. Not until today did I have a heart change where I could honestly ask the Lord to change my desires to line up with his will. I realized that no longer will I run in place frustrated with where I am, looking for me. I have been called to ABIDE. He has given me verses such as Proverbs 16:1-4, Proverbs 3:5-6, Proverbs 16:9, Proverbs 20:24 and lastly Psalm 37:3-5. It has taken me over a year to get to this point. To stop wiggling and stomping and say " change my heart, I am letting go, I will Abide". I will " wait". That is not to mean that its going to be easy but I am hopeful that my heart is open to the change. I even have my friend praying that the Lord would show me where I am still holding onto things and not letting the Lord have them. And here it is, probably one of the many things but its a start. :)

One other thing my sweet friend shared with me is this verse: Ecclesiastes 3:11 which says, " he has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart...." So even when I know he is preparing me for something and I am looking for where I will go and where he will lead I can cling to the fact that he has set Heaven in my heart so no matter where I am, no matter where I am going i will never be fully satisfied because this is not my home. I am an alien here. Until I get home to heaven my heart will never be filled and satisfied. I must be very aware though of when I am reaching for heaven and when I am becoming anxious and not abiding. The following lyrics are from the song "Reaching" by Carolyn Arends. This song came on today during my time with the Lord and really hit home.

There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach
And later on in my high school
It seemed to me a little cruel
How the right words to say always seemed to stay
Just out of reach
Well I should not have thought it strange
That growing causes growing pains
‘Cause the more we learn the more we know
We don’t know anything
But still it seems a tragic fate
Living with this quiet ache
The constant strain for what remains
Just out of reach

Chorus
We are reaching for the future
We are reaching for the past
And no matter what we have we reach for more
We are desperate to discover
What is just beyond our grasp
But maybe that’s what heaven is for

There are times I can’t forget
Dressed up in my Sunday best
Trying not to squirm and to maybe learn
A bit of what the preacher preached
And later lying in the dark
I felt a stirring in my heart
And though I longed to see what could not be seen
I still believed
I guess I shouldn’t think it odd
Until we see the face of God
The yearning deep within us tells us
There’s more to come
So when we taste of the divine
It leaves us hungry every time
For one more taste of what awaits
When heaven’s gates are reached

I believe that’s what heaven is for
There’s a time I can recall
Four years old and three feet tall
Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar
And both were out of reach

As the years go by....

2011-08-22T12:15:00.001-07:00

So for many people today is the first day of school. Whether you are a parent, a student, teacher or even having to drive ridiculously slow through the school zones you are now fully aware that school has begun. Usually I would be with the masses, half excited, half dreading the school year. Excited because its another year doing something I love and getting to see the students that always change my life in some way. BUT dreading it because the days of summer are over and the work grind has started and my level of stress goes up a little. Ben jokes that there is a summer lauren and a school lauren. Guess which one is more stressed out :) Needless to say he loves summer lauren and Im having to work on the school lauren :)

But this year is different, things have changed. The Lord has given me time to sit back and be loved on by him. And it has come in a way I would never have imagined. Even in the business of life, he is whispering to me, "Slow down and listen". Right now as my co workers are repeating the same spill 5-6 times I am sitting here on the couch watching my baby girl dance to Backyardigans (parents will know this show) and watching my little man as he sleeps peacefully next to me! Life has changed alot. I now am a parent of two, a mother to two little blessings that always keep me on my feet. Whether it is for a 430 am feeding or to go and let Evie out of the closet she has locked herself in for the thousandth time or sitting with her reading the same story over and over again about how Elmo can go potty :) I am always going, laughing, at times crying and learning. But always on the move. But I am forced to stop every once and a while and look at where I am. Check the condition of my heart and see if I am just letting the days go by so quickly without living for Christ and dying to myself. If im being transparent, many times I have told myself, "Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Barksdale" :) I often get soo wrapped up in the day to day that I dont have time to stop and listen or look. Its amazing to me that is been 9 years since I started college, 5 years since i started teaching, 4 years of marriage, 2 years that have flown by since Evie was born and now 2 weeks that have gone by so quickly since Hudson has been born. What have I done during this time to embrace the blessings the Lord has bestowed upon me and how have i lived a life dying to myself and living for him?

I am currently reading the book, " One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp and it has me thinking and counting my gift/blessings that I have been given. Its in the little things of my days and nights that let me know I am loved and I am given daily blessings by a God that is in control. A God that knew I would be teaching and that I would be out the first six weeks of school because my second born would be here during that time. A God that knew my type A personality would have a problem with letting go of this control and not being there are the beginnig of school. A Savior that knew this would be a time that I would be forced to stop and listen and rely on the fact that He is in control ALWAYS. He knew that in order for me to sit and really take in and live in the moment I must see all the beauty around me. And I wouldnt be able to see that beauty if I was not forced to take a step back and slow down.

The beauty that I see is Him. Created, sanctioned, made by Him and I am surrounded by it. Will I stop and sit for a while, live in this? Give thanks for all I have been given over the years and day to day?

As another school year starts back up and another summer quickly becomes a distant memory of record high temperatures and the tired movements of a very pregnant girl, am I realizing and seeing the beauty and gifts around me or am I blindly searching for something to fill the void that my Creator can only fill? As I get the hang of being a mother of 2 and start back to work at the end of my maternity leave, as I file in behind the other cars slowly creeping down the street in the school zone, will I stop and see the beauty around me and in me or will I continue to let the years pass without giving thought to all that He is and all that He has given? What am I giving back? Where are the little blessings hidden in each day, each breath, each moment? Take a minute and look for them... he has flooded your life with them. Then live a life changed and enveloped in all that he is and dont let the years slip by.

Strawberry lemon water full of God's love

2011-05-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Cheesy title I know! But this small drink has changed my world! Let me explain..... These past couple of days and even weeks have been tough with Ben being gone. As I progress further into my pregnancy and draw closer to the end of the school year there is alot going on and I am alot more tired than I realized. Being pregnant, teaching and raising a two year old is a tough job. I am in no ways complaining because I am extremely blessed to be pregnant, have a job and a beautiful two year old toe headed girl! But I think, just like I often do, I have tried to do alot of it on my own. When am I going to get it through my thick skull ( is this where Evie gets her stubborness?) that apart from the Lord I am unable to accomplish what he has put infront of me. He is my rock, my sustainer... These words hold such powerful truths to me and speak profoundly to me but it seems when the water rises and life gets too much to handle I wade out with my makeshift life raft and try to just stay afloat rather than turning the the Lord who created and brought me to the water and who is standing there as my life saver waiting for me to hold on to Him. To run into his arms and let him carry me and walk with me through this storm. I am blessed beyond measure to be pregnant when so many out there long for this gift. I am in a job that I love and am able to rest soundly at night because I have a way to take care of my family, and I have a husband that loves me and gets to come home to me in a month when so many out there wont see their loved ones for quite a while or ever again. So please do not hear me say i am angry or bitter at the Lord. More at myself for not seeing the sun shining through the clouds and seeing this deployment and season in life as something he sanctioned and is calling me to and using to draw me to him and to grow in him. Now to the lemon water....
Last week during a tiring day I got a sweet surprise. A large water with lemons and strawberries. If anyone knows me, they know the way to my heart is through water, Sonic water at that and healthy snacks. Along with my water was trail mix. Always a good snack for me! The note on the water said, "thank you for the sacrifice your family is making to keep us safe. We want to bless you." I didnt know who it was that had sent it and trust me I went on a massive man hunt to figure it out. In the process I have told so mnay people about this new amazing drink that came with the sweet note of encouragement. I talked about it so much that I had students who worked at Sonic bringing it to me as a gift! Now fast forward a week to today. It was again another rough day filled with a longing for my husband, the Lord's sanctioned storm and a few tears here and there. And what came along but another water and bag of goodies and a sweet note. This time the note was short and sweet, " lauren Barksdale, Be encouraged. You are loved". Now dont think for one minute I havent spent a lot of time analyzing the handwriting and trying to question everyone I know about the where abouts of the drink giver. But at the same time its been sweet. A great way for the Lord to love on me. He gave me this verse and I leave it with you as I sip on Large strawberry/lemon water along with the encouragement that we are never alone, he never forsakes us. We are His!
Psalm 61:2-4
From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.
Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings. Selah

Signs you have a two year old

2011-04-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

My beautifully strong willed daughter turned two at the beginning of this month. It has been such an amazing journey these last two years and I cant wait to see what is to come. Now I said that she just turned two but she has officially been a two year since she was 18 months old. And some days she jumps all the way to a 16 year old! ( I can see now why the Lord has me teaching.... preparing me for the future!) :) Now i would be lying if I said it was easy and that being a single, pregnant mom right now is rewarding all the time but there are days that I wonder when my head will hit the pillow and if my hair will turn gray before I even give birth to my second child or turn 28 :)

Here are a couple signs that you have a two year old as I see them unfolding these past couple months.

1. Everything can turn from normal to dramatic at the drop of the hat....this includes but is not limited to, eating dinner, playing, taking a bath, choosing a movie, picking out clothes and even attempting to use the potty.

2. Healthy appetites can change from "feed me!" to " i dont want that!" You must learn to be creative.

3. Mobility means hands on x 1000000

4. The cribs, pack and plays and baby gates that once kept them from danger are not as effective as they used to be.

5. Their cuddling time is just as awesome and so is their singing

6. Their words at times may not sound appropriate but trust me they are not cussing :)

7. Everything is exciting and surprising and NEW

8. They love and want to be loved

9. They try to eat everything and want to try everything on their own

10. The Lord has a plan for everything and its cool to see how He uses them to teach us lessons.

The Longing

2011-04-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

So in His awesome fashion the Lord spoke to me the other night and again like always it stopped me in my tracks. After talking to Ben on the phone I started thinking about how much I missed him. How much I longed for his return and how much I wanted him here with me. Then I heard it, the Lord's sweet voice.... " How much do you long for my return?" How much do you yearn for me like you yearn for Ben?" The said truth is that I yearn for the day in June when I get to be back in my love's arms. For him to hold me and tell me he loves me and for him to wipe the tears away from my face. I physically long for those days. And when I think about it I am grateful for my relationship with the Lord but how often do I long and yearn for his return as I do for Ben's? He is ALWAYS there , nothing seperates us from His love. Not an ocean or time or even space. His love is steadfast and constant and all around us. It put alot in perspective and really opened up my eyes and heart. He gave his life for me, took on my sin and conquered death for me! I am reconciled and justified because of Him.... How can I not long for the day when he returns and takes me home?! How can I not long for the day that I am in Heaven worshipping him daily? As He was speaking to me the following song was on the radio. Ill leave you with the lyrics for "Glorious Day"! What a great reminder of his love for us!

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected

Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him
From rising again

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine

Psalm 46

2011-04-12T04:15:00.001-07:00

As many of you know Ben left for Afghanistan in March. This deployment has been a tough for one for many reasons. Trying to raise a two year old on your own is tough ( staying consistent as a parent can get tiring), I am finishing school up and even though this is bittersweet, my biggest fan and cheerleader, Ben, will not be there as I walk across the stage signifying the end to a very long and at times difficult 4 year journey in getting my Masters. I am pregnant with our second child and just being away from the love of my life and best friend for a while is hard. Now I do want to say that I am very blessed to have amazing friends and family that surround me and support me and that Ben does not have to be gone for too long.

Yesterday,though, was a rough day. Because of a lack of sleep and being worn down emotionally, mentally and physically, Satan attempted to have a field day . I cried alot yesterday and just missed and yearned for Ben. So many things happened and the first and only thing i really wanted to do was run to him, talk to him and have him hold me. But I couldnt, an ocean and 10.5 hours separate us from one another right now and that is not going to change for a while. But even as I was longing for my husband the Lord spoke to me and it stopped me in my tracks. " I am your comforter, I am your strength, your Abba, FATHER, I am your Rock". And how right he is ( obviously he was right, hes God! :)) But I stopped and thought how true this was. Yes it is okay to miss Ben and long for him but it is not right of me to expect him to fill the role of God in my life. At times I dont realize how often I rely on others to fill this role in my life. So I sat back and sobbed and thought how often when things are good or bad that I ran to others before Christ. But today I didnt have anyone that I could share these deep tears and yearnings with....but I did! My savior Lord! Who knew my deepest concerns and fears and yearnings before I even did. He knows the depths of my soul, and created me and longs for me. Why do I often run from that? He IS my rock, he IS my comforter in times of need, in times of joy and times of sorrow. The two verses that were given to me through my Steps Studies and from our wonderful God sent neighbors, The Minters, put alot into perspective for me. The first is James 1:2-4.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, [2] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

What a call on my life and a charge to live by :) It really helped knowing that my all knowing, all loving, all powerful, omnipresent God gave me these words and was by my side in it all!

The second came in the form of a song that Brent Minter ( such a talented God fearing guy) wrote for the Northwood CD, Feet that Move ( go onto ITUNES and buy it!! ).. Psalm 46. It was the exact words I needed to hear and as he sat at his piano and sang the words it was as if the Lord was there in the room holding me and saying these words to me.

PSALM 46

God is our refuge and strength, a very present [2] help in trouble. 2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, 3 though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. 5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. 6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. 7 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

8 Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolations on the earth. 9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. 10 “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” 11 The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

In all I do, no matter what I realize Ben is not mine, but he is the Lords and in all that is going on , I should yearn more for Christ than anything else! It really helped put alot in perspective for me and gave me hope. A hope rooted in the saving grace of the Lord Almighty!

Pride and Pain and the beauty in it all

2011-03-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

I know the title seems silly but it pretty much summarizes my life and my heart right now. The Lord has been working on my heart and soul lately and its hard. Its like sandpaper rubbing against your heart. As I walk through the Steps Studies at the Village I am daily, hourly, minute by minute surrounded in my sin. The darkness of it all, the fall to your knees humility, constant reminder that I am a sinner is all around you. There is pain in that, there is embarrassment and at times shame but my GOD is bigger than all of it. And he is there. He is the light to my darkness, the comfort to my pain.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me" Psalm 23:4

Its hard to see yourself in that truth and to truly sit and own up to it. I have found that I have buried myself so deep in covering up who I am that while I seek my identity in Christ I am surrounding and burying myself more and more in just that Myself. While I did not want to admit it, ( do you sense a pattern here?) I am a control freak in my work life, my marriage, in relationships, really in any situation and this need for control and obviously not being able to have it causes anxiety. And then my pride swells up and I try to control more. I am very good at being unsuccessfully self reliant. But my pride whispers that if I just had more control over this area in my life then it would be easier and I wouldnt have to show who I truly am and I could continue to walk this thin line and no one would have to know that at any minute i was about to fall. The verse found in Matthew 23 hit me like a ton of bricks. How much am i like the Pharisees?

27 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. 28 So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

So on the outside it may look like I had it together but on the inside I was dead. It was like living a double life at times. Now this doesnt mean that I never experienced joy or happiness. I love my life and all that he has blessed me with but I have known for a while now that there was a huge void in my life that I was filling with other "masters" or " hobbies" instead of getting to the root of my problems. We cannot serve two masters.

19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, 20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, 23 but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!24 “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. Matthew 6:19-24

Where is my treasure? What master am I serving? Slowly the Lord has revealed to me answers to these questions and for the first time in my life I can say that I am a changed person. The Lord has done mighty works in my before and He is my Lord and Savior, the Alpha and Omega but what has happened over the last couple months, though hard, has been liberating. I have found for the first time in my life freedom. Freedom from guilt, shame and fear. Now this does not mean it is gone and I will never struggle with it again but the process of progress sanctification is all around me. As I learn more of Christ and who he is and what he has done I am deeply enveloped in gratitude for his love. He sees all that I have done, all that I will do and yet he continues to love me. He sees my masters that i have served and I am serving and those things that I have been in bondage to for years and HE LOVES ME.

I am a very visual person and as I have gone through this journey I have seen myself in a picture. Now if you know me you know that I am deathly afraid of lizards so this image is not quite me but it hits my thoughts and my heart right on the nose so just go with it :) I picture my life and heart as a garden, one full of weeds and all i have done is cut the weeds down and filled my garden with pretty flowers so that the outward appearance is beautiful and not alarming to others but I have never dug up the weeds or gotten to the "roots". Its a constant cycle and a very tiring one at that. But with the help and grace of the Lord I have finally gotten to the bottom of things and I am digging up these "roots" that have infested my heart/garden. If I am being honest again I believe that so often even though I "knew" the correct answers that the Lord alone can save and heal I never believed it and just told myself that If i couldnt do it then there is no way he could untangle my heart and the weeds to heal me. But how wrong and prideful is that? HE is the only one who can do that! HE is the healer, the comforter. HE alone is my savior and all that I need.

So as I continue in this journey. Though i feel beaten up at times, his promises ring true. In him there is life, in him there is freedom. And in all that pain there is BEAUTY IN IT ALL.

Transparency

2010-11-09T06:02:00.000-08:00

I warn you right now the following words come from a very very vulnerable place in my heart. An honest place that is very transparent. I usually write with humor and this post will be one full of truth, pain and freedom. Bear with me because I may go off on tangents. Here I go.

For a while now I have felt a daily, hourly, minute by minute struggle between my flesh and my spirit. Matthew 26:41 tells us to "Watch and pray that you may not fall into tempation. The spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is so weak." And how true this verse is. While I may not have been purposefully seeking tempation I was not doing much to guard against it. And while it does not matter, it was not temptation in the form of alcohol or drugs or sexual sin but one of pride, a haughty heart, jealousy, insecurities, anger, and pain. Listening to Lauren Chandler speak on God's steadfast Love it has made the battle inside me that much stronger. I was not able to go to the conference but have been listening to it on podcast each morning when I wake up. This morning on the way to work as I was listening to the talk on hurts, hang ups and habits it literally took all my willpower not to turn it off and block it out of my mind! I have been praying daily that the Lord would show me where I am weak and the idols that I am holding on to. For that last 6 months I have prayed daily over Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!" Yet even as he would bring things in my heart to the forefront I would push them back. The pain, the shame, the anger was too much to bear. But at the same time the Lord did something miraculous. As he was correcting me and disciplining me, sending me to the desert, through his steadfast love he would whisper into my ear. " My daughter, my love, come to me and find rest. You have been running for so long, your facade can only last so long, fall into my arms and let me heal you." Matthew 11:28-30 Was always on my mind: 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” But even though I knew the truth in my mind I continued to run. I continued to bury my pain deeper and deeper. I continued to say, No Lord if I just do this, or fix this or say this then it will all be corrected But No, it was not corrected, I was constantly trying to fix something that was broken with one of Evie's Dora Bandaids. And for a while it would be okay, but then my marriage would get bad, or my anger would boil up when I got stressed or I would be CONSUMED and I mean consumed with working out, a past time that is such a stress relief for me, thinking that if I would just work out somehow this stress, this battle, this struggle would go away. I was searching for things to cover up the fact that I was inadequate and that the show I was putting on at times was just that, a show. But the Lord saw it all, he saw right through it.

Today in the car I broke down, it became so clear to me and the truth that I know became real. "We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23) , but God showed his love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us" ( Romans 5:8) There is no way to be perfect, no way to act a certain way. Its alright to be inadequate, we will never be made whole until we go home to see Him. My works and my actions are nothing without a foundation of faith in Christ as my savior. My savior from my hang ups, hurts, and habits. He had brought me to the desert and leaves me there even now so that I can see that my idols in my life are consuming me. Things that he had given me a passion and love for became more like a life line, my identity, not something that I could give him glory through. They became my life.
But taken away, who am I? If I am stripped of everything, what am I? To whom do I belong? To my God, my daddy, my savior, my Lord. Whose steadfast love is never ending and all consuming. What a blessing that is!

Even as I write this, its still going to be a journey. There are still going to be battles that need to be fought and idols that need to be put down. But its okay. I am saved and loved and I AM HIS! So today I write this, I spill my heart, I tell you of my hang ups for this reason. I am not bound by them, I am not defined by them but I am being set FREE! I hold on to the promise found in Phillipians 1:6 " And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ". Its called progressive sanctification for a reason. It may not be at my pace but I am finding joy in the journey and while its painful my pain, my weakness is rooted in his strength. 2 Corinthians 12:9 " But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I hope that my honesty, my transparency helped someone. I dont want anything that was written today to be of me but of the Lord speaking through me. Thank you for taking time to listen to the cry of my heart.

A time for..... Ecclesiastes

2010-10-06T11:13:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything

1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

Above I listed the verses from part of Ecclesiastes 3. This past week has been crazy as usual. And as I was talking to my mother and thinking over the events of the last couple months this section really came to my heart. I so often think of the next day, I wish for another time, I want to slow down and stop missing out on life and I think Solomon does a great job of putting it all in perspective here. God put eternity in our hearts so that we would long for Heaven. But I am not called to wish away each day but to be captive of each one and live as he would have me in this world. So as I went through the verses, different events from recent came to mind and I thought I would share!

v. 2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot
As I read through this I thought of how each day we have with the ones we love is a gift. In the past month I have seen one of my best friends give birth to a beautiful baby girl, Greysen. To see how happy she was and how in love she was reminded me of having Evie. The same week though I also saw one of my closest friends lose her baby girl just two days before her due date. The heart ache adn pain that was etched on her face and draped over her shoulders is undescribable. While I pray I never have to go through that in my life. I am quietly reminded by God that my child is not my own. My family is not my own. They are given to me during this lifetime. I have been given the grand responsibility of raising my child in Christ and his love but she is not mine! How often I take that for granted!

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance

A time to weep.. we hear alot of this right now in my household! Not weeping like complete sadness like it makes you think but more of a "look at me, im not getting what I want, do what i want now!" type of weeping. And that would be done by my beautifully strong willed daughter, Evie. She has been showing us what we call her strong side and not holding anything back. If she doesnt want her clothes changed into her pjs there will be a high pitched scream followed by the arching of the back and then a loud drawn out cry followed by silence because she has taken such a deep breath, then a repeat in the process!
Just the other day we went to my friends wedding shower and because Evie did not want to be picked up or have her muffin taken away she exerted her strong will. Picture this, a beautiful house full of women who are there to celebrate the beginning of a beauitful couple coming together in holy matrimony, soft chatter of women catching up and commenting on the yogurt parfaits that have been so neatly arranged on the silver platter at the end of the table and different decorations that are arranged so beautifully and artistically that they are practically calling out to you to touch them and try and figure out how in the world they were put together. Next picture my Evie bug strolling in, casing the joint and eyeing the food table. As she makes her way over she sees her target, Nani's banana nut muffins. She stands on her tippy toes and reaches her chubby little fingers up on the table and manages to pull down her prize. As she starts to pick away at her bounty I am in the background reminding her of her manners and having her through muffled bites say, "please" and "thank you". She starts to make her rounds which always consists of a few waves to people and either "hi" or "bye" no matter if we are not leaving or just entering. Then she wants to be picked up, then put down, then up, then down. The calm before the storm came when she wanted to eat the metal acorns that adorned the coffee table and was told addimently, "NO!". As my friend goes to pick her up she starts the melt down! She grabs her hair rips it out and along with it grabs her perfectly placed bow and throws it on the ground. She arches her back and screams bloody murder! The expected deep breath/silence come and then so does the loud wailing. You would have thought we had traveled half way across the world and were standing right at the wailing wall and we along with others were mourning the loss of someone! But no we were right smack dab in the middle of this quiet, quaint party filled with unsespecting, innocent guests. I took her to the bathroom and we had a "talk" and came out to apologize. As I come out I expect to see horrified looks but I am met with laughter! So as my daughter "wept" they "laughed". They found the whole thing comical! For many of the single women in the room I know their day will come when they are in my shoes and if I am lucky enough to experience their children's melt downs, ill sit in the corner, think of the "old days" and I too will laugh :) Needless to say, we BOTH took a 3 hour nap that day!

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away

As I have written in the past couple posts I have been losing so many things. I have still to this day not found my watches. I find my self still looking at my naked wrist thinking "hair past a freckle" will magically tell me what time of day it is. I finally found my keys that lock my back closet and check at least 10x a day that they are in the usual spot. OCD? I think so! I am going to have to give up pretty soon and come to grips that I may have to buy another watch but until then I am holding out hope. As for keeping and throwing away. You can ask my husband I am what one would call a packrat. And not a horrible one but I hold onto small things for the "memories". You never know when you will again need the letter that your best friend wrote you in 3 grade, or the neckklace that you made in kindergarden that you were so sure you would wear when you were older or the shirt that once fit that you are sure will be back in style when your daughter gets older and it will be "cool" for her to have "authentic" clothing from the original era. You can ask anyone who has seen or held my purse or my "luggage" as I call it. I have everything. I believe some of this was brought on by motherhood but I could really go McGuyver on you and fix anything, anytime, any place with what is just in my purse. I have adopted the name "bag lady" at school because of my large purses filled with nick nacks that I positive will sometime come in handy to either jump start a car, save a life or get me out of sometime of unexpected difficult bind. I think its time to throw away alot of this, hold onto the memories and continue on with what Ive been given. Too often I think we get caught up in what we have, what we own, what we look like. But in 5 years, 10 years tops, its all gone. In the trash, rotting away. All that we based our identity is now wasting away. I think so often we get caught up in putting our identity in things of this world and that again is why we have eternity put in our hearts so that we can long for the LASTING things, not the wasting away material things that we hold on to. I fall victim to this often am have to be reminded by the Holy Spirit to put my priorities in place.

Even as I write this i look at my stories and get worn out. I again see the importance of a Sabbath, a day of rest, a time to enjoy all that the Lord has blessed us with. Yes work is something that has to be done. For many of us this is our mission field and it doesnt mean its easy but essential to our Christian walk. But I think while we are so caught up in this "work" that we are not resting in things that resonate in my soul and bring such deep satisfaction and appreciation for the Lord and all that he is and all that he has and will do. I get caught up in this so often. And so caught up in the here and now and the plans that must be completed. But I have to stop and think that He does not live or work by my time table and that "he makes everything beautiful in its time". So I can back off, understand that as I daily grown in a relationship with him he is preparing me through the ups and downs that either line up or dont with my plans, to be more like him and to bring glory to his kingdom.
I know this is long but I hope you can relate to some of my hectic/fun life and see that the Lord has called us to each time and place and has set us up in HIS plan and HIS time. Rejoice and rest in that fact!

My 30th birthday...count your blessings

2010-09-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, dont worry im not turning 30 just yet. Im holding onto my mid 20s. I am 26 years old, my body feels like I am 86, at times my maturity is around 16 and my mind lately is that of a 126 year old. But I have decided to embrace the fact that life goes on and moves on no matter what age I am and I just better to get used to it. TIME MARCHES ON!
And I know even as I write this there are those of you that are saying, " She doesnt know what old is, she is just a youngin". And yes I do agree with you BUT there are still times I sit here and reminisce of life before a child, responsibilty, bills, jobs and wish for one second that I could sit at home and sleep until 12 (which is now physically impossible), eat whatever I want ( my choice would be turtle cheese cake and buffalo ranch sandwhiches from Chilis), stay up until all hours of the night and have no responsibility. I even had a conversation with my parents that consisted of me telling them that I thought my students were ungrateful and immature and didnt listen to instructions.... that right there is enough evidence that I am getting older, my mom calls is more mature I call it getting older!
But as I lemented over the milestone of turning 30 my friend asked if she could decide what BIG thing I could do for my 30th birthday. I of course said yes as long as it didnt have anything to do with lizards or horses and that got me thinking.
I would love to do so many cool things each year. Something big, something worthwhile and memorable. We all know our milestone birthdays, 10 ( first in the double digits), 13 ( officialy a teenager), 16 (driving!!!!), 18 ( COLLEGE and graduation), 21 ( not even going to explain because this means so many things to so many people :) ), 25 ( half way to 50!!!). But then I stopped and thought even more. What are some awesome things that the Lord has done through out my life that I didnt see as a milestone but took for granted? There were so many events that I had seen as something I deserved, something God should have done. But no he doesnt have to do these things because I expect it or deserve. He does it because he loves me and His plan is ultimate.

Age 7- Saved
Age 16- protected me from a huge car wreck....... that I caused and my choices that I made that year
Age 18- sustained me as I moved from my hometown of 11 years to a new one my senior year of high school
Age 21- guided me to DBU from Baylor in the middle of my college career
Age 22- introduced me to my husband
Age 23- I married my best friend and got a great job at a wonderful school
Age 25- I had my beautiful baby girl!
and the list could go on and on and on....
Stop and think. How good is our God? He is ALWAYS good. NO matter the circumstances that come our way he is GOOD and to us a people who are so undeserving!
Ill leave you with this verse and hopefully a chance to stop and think of your blessings.....

"Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

Life 'o Lauren

2010-09-28T11:29:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to stop in and say a quick hello. I warned you that it would be a LONG time before I was able to sit down and catch back up. At the present time I am sitting at my desk trying to catch up on, well, life!
A quick recap of the past couple weeks:
1. I walked into my bathroom to find Evie flushing stuff from my wallet down the toilet! It only made it a little okay that she looked so cute when she kept saying, "Uh OH" But only a little.....
2. I have "misplaced" not 1 but 2 watches. I apparently do not need a watch and have found a new respect for the sun and the sundial!
3. While getting up early to run I ran smack dab into the bathroom door resulting in a high pitched scream and a red line that tattooed itself upon my forehead for the better part of the day
4. I have locked my keys in my car and ended up paying enough money to send the locksmith's children's to college.
5. I have "misplaced" my wallet only to find it under the bed and suspiciouslly empty of money ( jk i never have cash, who was i kidding)
6. I have totally forgotten about my Masters class that ONLY meets once every 2 weeks
7. I lost the keys to my classroom cabinet that holds my purse and clothes for volleyball. This resulted me in asking my "shadier" students to help me break into it. It worries me how easily they were able to do that! :)
8. My face is breaking out so much that if it werent for the long hair and random attempts at stylish clothing you might mistake me for a pubecent boy.
9. While walking into my classroom the other day wearing my adorable heels I apparently hit a slick spot and busted... NO witnesses but yet my pride is still a little bruised along with my butt bone!
10. I could go on forever but you get the jest.

I can always tell when I am stressed because I start to lose things or "forget" things and "misplace" them. At the end of the day I feel as if i am losing my mind. And that there might come a point in the near future where I will have to physically duct tape items of importance to myself and even maybe my child. The one saving grace is a promise that Christ is in control of ALL. SO all these times that I have literally lost my identity, my source of income, my daily work. In the grand scheme of things it all boils down to the fact that I know in whom i have my identity, In Christ. I know that my income is nothing compared to the riches I will have in Heaven one day and my daily work that is tangible is again nothing compared to the daily work of being an image bearer of the one who supplied me with these things in the first place.

I hope to post again soon but Im not going to promise a thing until I can at least catch my breath. Until then know that you are being prayed for daily and that our Lord is a faithful God who is all knowing and in CONTROL!!!!!

second week!

2010-09-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,
Wow! The Lord is amazing. This past week has been a very full and exciting one but one that was surrounded and covered in the peace and comfort of the Lord. He is such a mighty God. He has continued to lay on my heart certain students who I know he will one day use to spread His Word one day. If you were to walk into one of my class periods, you would have students from all over the world.
I have students who just moved to North Richland Hills from the Congo, El Salvador, and Mexico and there are so many other areas of the world represented by the young faces that fill my seats daily. There are future leaders, doctors, teachers, ministers. The Lord has mighty plans for all of them. I often get overwhelmed but I am then comforted by His voice whispering to me, “ But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 15:57-58). His plans are mightier than mine, his plans do not fail, he has my life and all of time mapped and planned from the beginning of time. I have a choice daily to give in to Satan and to become discouraged or be wrapped up in myself. Or I live daily for the Lord and share not only the knowledge that I have but also share the wisdom that comes from the Lord that should be shown in my actions and words towards my students.
There is a difference between the two. Knowledge is something that will help them in years to come but wisdom is something that will save them in years to come. The latter has the power to shape their lives and change them eternally. I do not take lightly the call that I have been given and this adds to it.
“ Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1:5-6).
I think that too often I get set off by failed lesson plans or stressful classes and lose sight of how He is working around me. I pray that these verses will stay dear to my heart.
I leave you with more prayer requests for the week! Thank you for all who prayed and are continuing to pray! The Lord is doing a mighty work here and its awesome to see Him work around me!
Prayer Requests:
Each classroom is filled with peace
Eyes and ears and hearts will be opened to the Lord and his voice
Wisdom will fill the hearts and minds of students
Students will start to question and ask about the Lord
My faith will be strengthened

Letter

2010-08-23T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Family,

Let me start this by saying that we serve such a mighty and powerful God. He has laid many things on my heart over this past year and continues to do so and thankfully He is continually working on me. That is not to say I’m perfect but that he is a wonderful God who is continually patient and persistent in the work he has started (Philippians 1:6). I am not a poet by any means and often run off on tangents but please bear with me and hear how the Lord is working.

This summer has been a "molding" experience. The best way I can explain it is feeling "raw" and vulnerable. I prayed at the beginning of June that he would refine me and prepare me to be used for Him and I didn’t realize what a task that would be. It has been a very tough summer filled with happiness and tears, joy and sadness, but in all of it he has proved to be faithful. The Lord brought me to Birdville High School 4 years ago ( Acts 17: 26-27) and put the students on my heart at that time. It has been a rewarding as well as a trying time. At any given time during the day you can walk into my room, C302, and you can literally feel the darkness that covers some of my students and fills my room. It is a daily struggle filled with constant spiritual warfare. It is very discouraging at times and very tiring but I serve a God that is stronger than anything and I have faith that He is going to change things and that He is in control.

Friends, He has already begun to do mighty things and will continue to do powerful things. But as the enemy is getting stronger, the battle gets harder. Their earthly fathers have not loved many of our students, but the Heavenly Father and Creator has loved for all eternity each student that walks through the halls. The beginning of school means many new things to a teacher—new classes, new schedules, and new students but even though it may be new to us He has hand picked each part of it for His purpose. And that is why I know I am where I am, to serve the Lord by loving these students.

I can tell you stories of pain and heartache that follows these students every day of their lives. They deal with things on a daily basis that I would never even imagine possible. They are hurting and desperate for someone to heal their pain. They fill the emptiness in their lives with the wrong things and are continually coming in telling stories of their failures, pain, and shame. I share this with you because school has not started and I have seen already evidence of the pain and hurt that envelopes them.

I am to be Christ's image bearer, light in a dark place, and I know that I am not doing this on my own strength and pray that He will continue to strengthen me and refine me. I am but His vessel ready to be used. Truthfully, in many cases if I do not show these students Christ’s unconditional love then they will not receive it elsewhere. Romans 10:14-15 tells us that, "before people can ask the Lord for help, they must believe in Him, and before they believe in Him, they must hear about him, and for them to hear about the Lord, someone must tell them; and before someone can go and tell them that person must be sent. It is written, " How beautiful is the person who comes to bring good news.” I am not a pastor, I am not in church work, but THIS IS my mission field. I have been called here for a reason and I’m not going to back down from that calling.

I am writing to you to ask that you start to pray daily, and continue to do so, all year long and see how the Lord works. I have prayed that the Lord will fill my room and cover each student that walks in with a peace and comfort that he or she has never felt before. My students may not know where the peace comes from but I pray that God’s shalom will rest upon their lives for His glory. I pray that my students will recognize God and His mighty works in all that takes place this year.

I have a few prayer requests to leave with you, and I will be writing more often to keep you updated on how things are going. Thank you for taking the time to read this and to pray for the students. It means the world to me.

In Him,

Lauren Barksdale

Prayer Requests:

• That each room and hallway be filled with a peace that has never been felt before.

• That in all that is said and done, glory be given to the Lord.

• That those who are hurting and lost have their hearts opened to see the Lord in me.

• That I stay strong in the Lord and rely on Him to be my strength when it gets tough.

• That all who live for Him at school daily claim victory in the Lord.

• Patience and love will flow in and from us.

• That He will strengthen us when we are weary.

• That my faith be strengthened.

signs of being a mom?

2010-07-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

There are days that I feel young and full of life... Now I know Im only in my 20s but I truly believe that having a child has aged me at LEAST 20 years and that is why I refuse to drive a mini van because it adds at least another 10 and by that time Im over half a century old! :) ( no offense to you van drivers out there, im just holding onto my pre van days).

But as I drove today, feeling pretty rested and "youthful" I looked back at my baby girl only to see her eyes crossed staring at the snot bubble that continued to grow bigger and bigger. It was as if she had a huge piece of bubble gum in her nose and she was seeing if she could break this unwritten record of "snot bubble" size! I laughed and attempted to wipe her nose, which turned into her "blowing" her nose ( aka eating the tissue) and drove on thinking how life had changed since being a mom.

It doesnt always take a situation or event to remind me that Im blessed to be a mama, sometimes its subtle hints that compile together until all signs point at my new status as MOMMY :)

Today these signs started with my big sip of whole milk out of Evie's sippy cup when I was going for my water bottle, the fact that there was still remnants of breakfast on my shoulder and in my hair from my post- breakfast Evie Hug, the sunglasses that were broken from Evie "wearing" them that I somehow configured to fit on my face and the fact that I was sharing with my daughter a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, sans crust and easy on the peanut butter, heavy on the jelly :)

Oh its these signs that remind me of the past and make me smile at the present. I never thought that at 26 I would be have a diet consisting of kindergarten lunches and no be ashamed of my food stained clothing and make shift accessories.But I am glad, and I as I proudly pushed up my sunglasses that were sliding down due to the missing ear part of the frame, I quietly applauded my child in her attempt at her own "snot bubble" record and relished the day where this was a "normal" day.

Things I love and stories from the summer

2010-07-13T08:34:00.001-07:00

Wow, Im on a roll. 2 posts in one day! That is more than Ive had in like 6 months. You can tell two things from this uncommon occurrence (1) its summer so I actually have time and (2) Evie is asleep other wise this post would be filled with random number or letters with her trying to take over the keyboard!

I was thinking over how even though we didnt really go away for the summer its been a nice one where we can sit back and relax. ( sort of, if you know Evie there hasnt been much down time, the girl likes to move! :)) SO here is a list of my top ten likes for the summer of 2010

1. being able to spend more time with Ben and getting to relax around the house

2. Being able to have a more flexible schedule and more opportunity to be with friends

3. swim time with friends and the babies

4. this wonderful fro yo place called Blueberries, I literally made myself sick on their California Tart with strawberries and pineapples ( just ask Ben)

5. Awesome time with the Lord

6. Being able to decorate and get settled into our new house

7. Being able to visit relatives and spend time with them

8. Dancing with Evie in my car with the windows down. Even if it IS a mom car and even if all that our dance moves consist of are rocking back and forth . We like to call that the "Evie"

9. Early morning work outs

10. More time with my precious Evie Bug!

Its been awesome!

If you have had the awesome pleasure of meeting my totally awesome daughter you will know that the Lord has blessed her with such a wonderful spirit and strong will ( we are still praying over that one :)) and that she is always on the go. She has such a fun and loving personality and is always up to meet new people! There have been a couple incidents that have tested my parenting and led to much more praying for patience and direction and just down right funny things that I could only laugh at and learn from. In all though, I cant get over how much I love her and how much that love grows day by day! I am sooo blessed to have her and so blessed to be her mother! I cant wait to see what is to come. Here are a few stories from a collection that I have no doubt will grow over the years.

1. As Evie and I were shopping at our neighborhood Walmart, we were walking down each aisle and she was greeting each new shopper with the same "hello" as always. It starts with a "hey, hey, hey" that continually gets louder and wild waving that becomes more and more theatrical until the person responds with a hey or a smile. She is then content and moves on to the next customer. On this particular day she had made a new BFF with an older woman who had given her more than a smile but had even talked to her and given her a high 5. As we were moving on from our ritual greeting I stopped to look at the cereal on one side of the aisle and the older woman was looking at oatmeal on the other. With both our backs turned I figured Evie would be just fine in her shopping cart position ( picture to follow) and didnt think a thing about it. We both found what we needed and moved onto the next aisle. But as we started down the baking aisle I noticed that Evie's attention had turned from her attempt at saying hello to everyone in the store and on to something else. As I looked closer I realized that she was looking into a wallet and pulling out credit cards ( she is learning young). But as I looked even closer I realized it was NOT my wallet! She has stolen the older women's wallet, her new BFF, while we were looking away at our all important cereal and oatmeal! My child was a thief, a vagabond trying to pay for her next meal, a crook!!! :) sorry i got a little out of control. :)

But she had already gotten out all of the cards and was onto the cash! I took the wallet and had to explain to my 14 month old why we could not keep it and why it was not right for her to take things. She responded with a "mama and doggie" and blew me a kiss so I was sure she understood everything I had just said and would learn a great life lesson from it ( there is sarcasm dripping off every word of that sentence by the way :)). We then had to walk down every aisle to find our new friend and give her back the wallet, the bounty from my daughter's wallet hunt. She was very sweet about it and even called Evie a magician because the wallet was at the very bottom of her purse under alot of stuff and she hadnt even realized it was gone and the purse looked just the same as if it was there!

As we left the store two things went through my mind,

1. If we ever get in a bind financially we know who to turn to.....totally kidding

2. Im going to have to step up the baby proofing to a whole new level!!!

2. As we were driving back from Houston from visiting my grandparents Evie was not happy at all to be sitting in her car seat for that long. She started to scream and wiggle and was very uncomfortable. She then started to whine. I told her to use her words and talk to me and let me know what she wanted. In return she replied, " blaksdfjiasdfaskdjfnsldfknslkdfnasdf" and looked at me like," okay mom I did my part, now give me what I want". To make a long story short, I gave her her paci and she went right to sleep. im still not sure what "blaksdfjiasdfaskdjfknslkdfnasdf" means but desperate times call for desperate measures and the paci always fixes the problem! .....for now........

3. If you have ever been out to eat with a small child you will know that many things happen at the meal and most of the time its not always pleasant. 1. you will never get to eat a full meal in silence or in deep conversation. 2. you will never finish an entire meal. 3. it will look like a tornado ripped through your booth when you leave. 4 people are going to stare!

I have gotten accustomed to the stares and the noise and even the lack of food for me and buffet of food bits in front of Evie, but i am always ready for what is in store. Or at least I thought I was. The meal started off nice with so many options for Evie and a nice meal for me. She ate a little, drank a little, ate a little, drank a little. But then she decided that her food ( from my plate) wasnt as good as the food that I had ( same food, from my plate). So she wanted mine. So we fed her a little of that. Well she loved that so she screamed in happiness. And when I say scream I mean scream! So here came the stares, we already had the food tornado and mini buffet, why not add the stares. I knew that she was happy and not throwing a fit so I just told her "shhh"and smiled as she clapped for herself. Then it started....she would scream and look around then look at me and "shhhhh" with her finger dug deep into her mouth. Then scream then again"shhh" just to let me know that she had it covered. I picked her up and was going to let her go outside and calm down a little and play. As I put her down to walk she ran over to a table, tapped the man on the leg and said "Hey!". SHe did all of this in the time it took me to put her down and reach over to grab her bag. Needless to say, they were taken back but soon warmed up and gave her a french fry. Great, my daughter, the moocher :) They were nice though and when we returned to the table she made sure to tell her new friends "hello" and sat back down in her high chair. It was smooth sailing after that and she even ended the meal by blowing her nose ( or just putting the tissue up to her mouth and blowing) and wiping off her tray ( or just wiping everything off on the floor with the SAME tissue she just "blew" her nose with :) Hey she is learning and for that Im happy!

Its been fun and I cant wait to see what comes next.... trust me its going to be a wild ride! But what a blessing its going to be! ( go ahead and tell me this when Im about to pull my hair out one day :))

Old life and New life

2010-07-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

Today as I was spending time in the Word I could literally feel my sin nature welling up inside me. It seems that every time the Lord is refining me and really working on my heart, which is not always fun in itself, though the outcome is magnificent, I can fill my sinful self rebelling and trying to hold on to any piece of my old and controlling self with white knuckles and fighting to the death. And that is just it, it is a death, a death that came on the cross years ago, a fight that was fought for me. A death in my old self and a rebirth and newness of life in He who created me. I am so undeserving yet I am saved by a gracious and loving God, who sent His Son to die for me and eternally separate me from the death that comes with the sinful life and my old self. I often wonder why the Lord would allow the crucified life and nature to reside in my recreated and risen life, after he has condemned the old self to death in Christ and I now live in my new position in Him. I know that this may be a silly question but I want to live for Him and I am often brought down by my "self" and find failure time after time. As I was reading in Green Letters today I came across a chapter that answered this question for me. It listed 7 reasons why the Lord allows our sinful self to stay in us as long as we are here on earth.

1.To reveal the depths of sinfulness from which we were saved.

2. To teach us to count ourselves dead to the old, and alive in the new.

3. To teach us to abide in the Lord Jesus

4. To teach us to walk in the Spirit.

5. To glorify the Father and manifest the life of the Lord Jesus despite a fallen nature, body and world.

6. To give us good cause to watch for His appearing.

7. To give us a greater appreciation of eternal glory.

These are all wonderful promises and perfect reasons for why he does what He does.

It can be very frustrating and its disheartening at times even with these promises and His perfect plan. But then like he does so often the Lord softly whispers to me, " Failure is the place you need to be in yourself so that you may see the victory that comes through Christ". Its only when I fall and fail through my own strength and my own efforts that I find such great mercy and grace that he has bestowed upon me in Him and through Him. Its the believer who has repeatedly gone down in defeat under the relentless power of the Adam- nature who can appreciate the necessity of walking in dependence of the Holy Spirit. (Green Letters) So to "Live is Christ and to die is gain" ( Philippians 1:21) Often I think we get caught up in trying to work out way into his graces and how defeating and hard can that be? We are not perfect and we will never be perfect so that attempt will always be one that finds defeat. Galatians 5:16-17 tell us just that, " But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do."

So what then is our answer? To live by faith in Christ and allow his love and righteousness to manifest in us to the world. Romans 6:11-14 gives us our call and I leave you with that hope and that assurance. How gracious is He to save us from the death that comes with our old life and give us newness of life in Him.

"So you must consider yourself dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."

random catch up

2010-07-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

Fun in the tub!!!!!

Evie's 1st bday party!

Say what?

Evie went to school with me on the last day and hung out with me !!!

So I always promise that I will stay consistent on the blogging and it never happens, SO instead of becoming a liar I will just say that here is what has been going on lately in our lives and hopefully you will hear from me sometime soon ! :)

Ben is loving his job at Fidelity and I am enjoying the summer! I have learned a valuable lesson this summer. The Lord is continually teaching me contentment and to be joyful in his goodness in ALL situations. I would LOVE to be a stay at home mom and often during the school year I long for a day when I can stay home with Evesters BUT the Lord has so graciously shown me, through His Word and through the summer that being a stay at home mom is harder than I thought. :) I have enjoyed though, being able to see how much Evie growing up and had my affections stirred for the Lord daily through my time with her. I have also been able to really dive into the Word and just meditate and dwell in it. I dont have this luxury during the school year. I get up at 345 to work out then come back, shower, have about 45 minutes for my quiet time before I have to get ready to leave at 7. Its been so wonderful to just allow him to open my heart and ears to his voice and His callings on my heart. So I sit here today, faithfully living in His grace and knowing that He has called me to where I am today and where he has placed me and in that I give thanks!!! He has given me the verses out of Habakkuk 3:17-19 and has really impressed upon my heart that He is provider and has the best plan for my life and living in His will and in a deep and growing relationship is where I will find the greatest joy and fulfillment no matter where He has placed me.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail, the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."

He also has a wonderful way of showing us that he is in control and that he knows the deepest part of our hearts and that he is intimately aware of our deepest parts of our hearts. He allowed me to be a part of His work when I went to help my brother with his youth group this past week. These are kids that are much like my students at school, hurting, lost and looking for the answer or someone to guide them. I am drawn to these kids and love being able to love on them and walk through life with them. We just played kick ball but even in that 1 hour period of sweating and slipping in the wet grass and running around a make shift field with trash as the bases, the Lord spoke to me. He whispered, " These are my children, just as you are. I have called you to love them. I have made you and loved you, my grace and love is not just for those who know me but I sent my Son for all mankind. So tell them and show them this love that you live daily in" As I left that day I was able to see a tough 16 year old boy hold my daughters hand to help her walk and give her a leaf because he couldnt find a flower for her to hold. I saw a young teenage mother who has a child 3 days older than Evie, smiling and loving on my child and hers. The pain in their eyes is apparent but their yearning for someone to listen to them, understand them and fight for them is just as apparent. Many dont see the good that inside them but the Lord did and who I am to keep the love he has given me when I dont deserve it, from them who are just as undeserving yet still loved with an everlasting love by a God who is their creator as well!

What a wonderful experience to be a part of and to learn from. While I have not been called to preach I have been called to share His love and His redeeming message. I will end this will Romans 10:14 & 15 another verse the Lord has placed on my heart:

"How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!"

On a different note, if you know me you know that I LOVE and live by lists. I had a huge list of home improvements for the summer, none of which have gotten done. I am a little stressed over this but also know that I often take on more than I need to so I am going to do it little by little. We are going to redo the kitchen, as in take down the wall paper and paint, then paint Evie's room and decorate a little, then move into our bedroom and go for the big one and paint the wall behind our bed RED!!!!! I cant wait! Ill post pictures of the house now and then as the transformations take place!

Here are some pictures of the family, mostly Evie, lately and what we have been doing.

Lessons Learned

2010-01-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

"Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. Sing unto the LORD with the harp; with the harp, and the voice of a psalm. With
trumpets and sound of cornet make a joyful noise before the
LORD, the King."
Psalms 98:4-6, KJV

I start this blog with this verse because the lesson I was reminded of today stems from it. How wonderful is it that our Lord who knows everything, is outside of time and knows the number of hairs on our head loves us and wants a relationship with us! So rightfully so we should praise him with a joyful noise.

In service today we sat by a man with special needs. My heart is soft towards those with special needs because I get the privilege of working with children with special needs each day in my classes. As a teacher I come in contact with alot of students from different walks of life, but I am drawn to my special needs students because of their innocence and their passion with which they live life. I have learned that if you will keep your heart open to learning from your students the Lord will use them daily to speak to you. But I digress.......

This man was two seats from Ben and I and as soon as we started to worship this loud yelling came from my right. I looked over almost thinking someone was in pain but to my amazement and joy it was this man praising the Lord through song! How wonderful and touching. This man was making a joyful noise unto OUR LORD with an especially loud noise and while it may have not been beautiful by human standards I know that the Lord was smiling and thought his praise and his offering of himself and song was such a beautiful offering.

I am reminded of the passage that talks about the woman who just gave a penny for offering and while it was little by the pharisees and world's standards it was everything she had and she gave it willingly to the Lord. This man too was singing with everything he had to the Lord with no shame in his love for the Lord. So as the songs got louder along with his voice, the Lord softly whispered to me the verse "Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise." and I joined him, probably just as off key as him but I gave my all, my everything, to the Lord. What a wonderful unexpected lesson I was taught today! I am truly blessed!

p.s.I wanted to give a shout out to Jessica ! Love that you found the blog. Cant wait for Evesters to catch up on pics of Eli.

Pictures of my Evie Grace

2010-01-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

Evie's Halloween Costume...she was an adorable chubby flower!
Evie with Samson, he is so good to let her "love" on him.
Her favorite time of the day. Often she crawls to the bathtub and will just sit and squeal until we let her in!
My beautiful baby girl!

My "Active" Blessing

2010-01-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

I know I always say this but I promise to write a little bit more than once every 3 months.

So much has happened as always. I continually am blessed with God's deliverance, salvation, mercies, grace and answered prayers. I am even finding joy and learning from the unanswered prayers which is taking alot of faith but I know that it is forming me to be more like him which is such a blessing and my life goal.

Evlyn Grace is now about to be 9 months ( this Friday). Time has flown by, I know people always say that but it has been so amazing. I will post pictures soon of our first Christmas. We went to the doctor on Monday and she is now in the 95% for height coming in at 29 1/4 inches. She grew 3 inches in 3 months! And is at 21.2 lbs.! She is so fun but alot to keep up with.

She is so active and I find this as a continual blessing, even when times it gets trying. Here is a story to explain :)

On this particular Saturday morning I knew it was going to be a long day when I walked into Evie's room at 7 in the morning and she was doing her daily morning ritual of "chin ups" in the crib. This consists of her attempting to get out of the crib and literally pulling herself up to see over the side and then lowering her self down. Because she almost crawled out of the crib at 8 months we have had to lower it to even below the last peg.

As I get her out, she continues screaming her happiness that I have released her from her wooden prison and starts to clap for herself!

I put her in the living room to watch Veggie Tales and calm down and "listen to the Lord's voice" and relax into what I thought would be a nice time of prayer and meditation on the Lord's teachings given through a talking tomato and cucumber. But even as I turned around I hear a dropped bottle and her laughing hysterically. I turned around in the time that it took me to turn on the video she had flipped her car seat around that she was sitting in and was rocking herself as it she was riding a bull! She thought it was hilarious and found that the harder she rocked the faster and lower she could get the seat. Which for her was fun and for me meant an instant heart attack. As I " saved her life" :) I let her pull up on the coffee table so that I could put her seat away and so she could cruise the furniture, for this child NEVER sits still. If God's lessons taught by his talking tomato could not stop this child this was going to call for back up. As I prepared myself for what was to come I see my beautiful, sweet child throwing my tile coasters on the ground and eating my magazines. During the time it took me to pick those up she meandered her way over to Samson's dog food bowls, splashed all in his water and wore most of it and even sampled his dog food, in which she replied " Tank tu" and raised her hands up which means "praise Jesus". ( At least if money gets tight we only need to buy one type of food for the both of them..... I'm only kidding for those mothers out there who are freaking out!) As I am cleaning up the tsunami that attacked his bowl I hear a choking and she is trying to shove an entire receipt from Walmart down her throat. When she realizes its too big she starts to try and take baby bites to make it go down easier. ............. the rest is a blur because I believe I lost my mind at the coaster incident.. :)

I learned 3 things that day.

1. What a blessing I have to have such a curious, active child

2. My house is no where near being child proofed and I need to get a move on that

3. I cherish even more the times when she will sit with me and hug me or give me kisses.

It took one smile from that adorable grin for me to fall more in love with a child that has changed my life and turned my world upside down in a wonderfully messy way! :)

Lamentations 3:24-26

2009-10-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;therefore I will wait for him."The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,to the one who seeks him;it is good to wait quietlyfor the salvation of the LORD.

These past couple weeks have been a little trying. School and hurting/needy students have really worn me down, volleyball schedules with being a full time mom and the thought of doing it all on my own while Ben is overseas has started to really wear on me as a wife, mother, teacher and friend. For this I am saddened and frustrated.
This morning though many things just settled into my heart and put alot of stuff into perspective. As I was driving to work I heard the Lord tell me to just give him all I have, it may not be much but to give it ALL to him. I know that so many times before I have thought over this and the idea of laying down my "burdens" to him. But this is the first time I can honestly say the weight was lifted. To be honest I have next to nothing left, I have been depleted emotionally, physically, spritiually and mentally. There is nothing left, I dont sleep well at night and its so hard to get up each day. I know that the Lord has called me to this job and these students but there are days that I have woken up and could care less and this scared me. I also realized that I am not here to live a comfortable life or one that only seeks my happiness and that in all that I had both good and bad that day has been made by the Lord and I will rejoice in it. He is my strength, my portion forever. But as I finally gave it over to the Lord and let him have what was left, I found my heart instantly comforted and lighter and knew that it wasnt me who was going to save these kids, it wasnt me who was going to be able to love on these kids, be a good mother/wife/teacher/daughter/friend but it was the Lord who would use me and work through me to touch others. The freedom that came with this realization is undescribable. Through him ALL things are possible.
My mother in law gave me the verse that is at the top of the post today and I have been praying over it all day. So as we finish this time say it along with me and let the words soak in and let the Lord take over and use you.
"I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;therefore I will wait for him."The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,to the one who seeks him;it is good to wait quietlyfor the salvation of the LORD."

Lately

2009-09-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

Trying on our tutus right before our pictures
Evie, my aunt Amy, me and cousin Kord
Eating/attacking the glass
Hungry?

At the dog park with daddy!
So its almost the end of the six weeks for school and its been a long one. I teach 4 US History classes now and 1 WOrld History. But I LOVE teaching Juniors. Its like night and day. Volleyball is doing good, we are 5-0 in district now and have two games left until we are half way through the district season. Ben leaves for Afghanistan in exactly a month from today. We are going to miss him so much but he is proud to serve his country and for that I am grateful. Keep him in your prayers that he will be protected by the Lord's mighty hand while he is over there. Evie will be 6 months on October 8th!!! Its gone by sooo fast. She is so much fun. She is ALWAYS smiling and LOOOVEESSSS to be the center of attention. She has such a personality now and loves to "talk" and go to anyone. Here are a couple pics to keep you updated on how lil miss is growing. We had family pictures taken a couple weeks ago so when i get those ill post them as well! Enjoy

Along for the ride

2009-09-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

I know I have said this soo many times but I continue to "forget" that the Lord is in control and try to do stuff on my own. The Lord has his own timing and that is what is so great about it. Its his timing, not mine, not yours but his. And his timing wether we like it or not, is wonderfully made for us and while we're going along his love and his blessings can pour out of what we are going through.
This school year, yes it is still in the 3rd week, has been tough. Each day I miss my baby girl more and more. I love her babysitter so that makes it easier to leave but I find my heart hurting a little more and more when shes not here with me. I know and have confidence that this is where the Lord wants me right now and I am leaning confidently on that fact but its still difficult at times. It is times like this that I am lovingly reminded by the Spirit that I am not to live a comfortable life for Christ and that times it will be hard to live for him. While I am not being persecuted or punished for my faith its not easy to work with these students who at times who could care less about school when I could be at home loving on and being loved on by Evie. But when did I sign up for a comfortable life that went just as I wanted it? Thats just it I didnt. So there is a reason I am teaching " hyped up " ( on who knows what) students during 7th period and kids that barely surive day to day. What is that reason? I often have to remind myself that the reason is and always will be Christ. He is the meaning and purpose to their lives and mine. And while they may not know that, I do and that is why I am here. So in this journey I have the blessing of my beautiful daughter and the "joy" of loving on someone else's beautiful/handsome daughter or son. This brings to mind that many of these students arent so beautiful or handsome to their earthly parents so I need to show them that there is a father who sees them as that way.
So along for the ride I go, ups and downs, loops and turns. Hanging on and learning/loving what the Lord has in store. Where will the blessings and inspirations show up? When will be the times that I have nothing left to give and will be crawling and clawing just to sqeeze out an ounce of patience and love for these kids? No one knows but that is part of the journey.
Here I go..........

First Week Wrap Up

2009-08-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

So this week was the first week back at school. There were ups and downs and it was very eventful. Here is the low down on what went on this week.
1. I love teaching Juniors now. I got put into US history classes and while its not my favorite subject I love teaching the more mature audience.
2. On day one I came home with a fussy, hungry baby only to find Samson had pooped all over our apartment.
3. I had a boy in one of my classes (sophomore) that tried to hit people over the head with his newly issued book and then gave me an attitude when I told him to stop.

4. Ben bought me a mini fridge so no one can steal my lunches anymore.

5. I have a class of 39 and one of 36. There are kids sitting on the floor.... great teaching environment huh?

6. I love my classes

7. I spent Wednesday night from 6-930 in the doctors office with Evie who has strep throat now

8. I feel down the stairs on the way to lunch...classy

9. Evie is starting to try and crawl

10. I was reminded how it feels to get up at 5:15 go to school all day and coach until 530, pick up Evie, go home, work out and have family time then go to bed at 11:30 and do it all again the next day.

So much happened but I am daily reminded of the Lord's strength and mercies. I did a Life History assignment with my students where they had to tell me about their history and things that had happened in their lives that make them who they are. I have gotten things from death in a loved one or friend, abuse, drugs, alcohol, neglect, hatred, divorce, pain, sorrow... and the list goes on. It is amazing to me how resilient these kids are and reminds and affirms me on the reason the Lord brought me back to this school. Its going to be a hard and long year but a year full of love, and encouragement.

busy

2009-08-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

I know i havent posted in a while like I promised but I will get on that soon. School just started up again yesterday so I will have interesting stories to tell soon! I PROMISE! :)

The "Mom Experience"

2009-08-12T21:13:00.001-07:00

This morning as I was on my way to practice with swollen eyes and a makeshift pony tail I was minding my own business in my "baby friendly" CRV not knowing that the "experience" would soon happen that would change me forever..... I am exaggerating a little.... However as I stopped at the light next to me a cute blonde drives up talking on her phone with her music blaring... she briefly glances over at me and my early morning, sleep deprived state and smirks as if to say... "you poor soul I know your tired, I am too but its because I stayed out late clubbing and dancing it up and you stayed up with your hungry baby and I am so happy Im not in your shoes." Then she went back to her "world altering" conversation that was clearly a priority. As my knuckles clinched the steering wheel and were starting to turn white I looked straight ahead as if to say, "forget you, you cute blonde in a mustang, I hope you had fun covering up those bags under your eyes with all that make up you have on... oh and Jesus loves you :) " The light turned green and before I could say "Evlyn Grace" she shot off like a bat out of hades with a cute little smile and wave and left me in the dust. Many things went through my mind at this time:

1. What a waste of gas

2. How could she hear with that loud music blaring?

3. I just aged 10 years with that experience

4. I used to be that girl, the blonde with the mustang leaving "mom vans" in the dust

5. those days are gone

6. I am happy those days are gone

Now dont get me wrong there are times that I wish I still had my mustang and I could pick up and go at a moments notice but I would never trade any of that for the adorable smile I get every morning, the cute giggle that comes with the adorable girl, the beautiful eyes and the other moments that have melted my heart in these last 4 months.

So blondie you can take your gas guzzling mustang and kiss my mama booty.... Ill take my new status and keep on putting along thank you ! :)

Lately

2009-08-11T05:32:00.000-07:00

Bath time with daddy!
My little ducky!

In her jumper and her "cool shades" Thats one sassy girl!

So much has happened lately and of course the same thing happens and I get lazy with my blog. I wont promise to stay on top of it because that would just be a flat out lie but i promise to do my bestest to keep up with it just a little bit, maybe :). So school has started again for me, or at least volleyball two a days. It is fun and rewarding but at the same time very hard and time consuming. Its hard to be away from Evie Bug but I know the Lord is using this transition time to help me ease into leaving her with a baby sitter. She is growing so much, literally! She weighs 16 lbs and 11 oz. She is my "healthy" baby :) She has come a long way from her 6 lb and 8 oz at birth. She is 25 inches and is teething. She has a big beautiful smile and each day we see more of her personality. She is a really laid back baby as long as she can stand up and see whats going on and as long as shes not hungry :) Yesterday one of my best friends weslee watched her and said that she had never heard a child scream the way Evie did when she was hungry. Thats my girl, gets upset about the food but could care less about a dirty diaper... we may need to work on that when she gets older. She has found her toes and loves to "talk" to you. W love her so much and I love our mommy/Evie dates. Ben of course is wrapped around her little chubby finger. Cant wait to see what is to come. Here are a couple pics to keep yall updated on her "growth"/ inflation ......

OH and by the way Clint my brother in law has a sister that is pregnant and due in September and I have decided that I want to look like that on my second pregnancy, so cute and pregnant and still beautiful. That of course is a while away people!

The art of the fake cry

2009-07-22T07:45:00.000-07:00

The art of the fake cry is something that some people may never get the hang of or may never be able to use effectively. But Evlyn Grace has it down to a T. The other day as we all sat in the living room at the family reunion we were all talking and enjoying one another's company when all of a sudden Evie started to cry. Now she had just been fed, changed, loved on, cuddled with and given her medicine for her teeth. So she was a happy baby or so we thought. But as she started to cry she looked around to see who was looking at her. Now this is not just a normal cry but a high pitched squeal that kind of makes your ears ring and maybe bleed a little. It starts out as a little whimper but then gets louder and louder as time passes. It is as if she is trying to outdo herself each time and see if she can get higher and higher, but I digress.... As soon as she noticed all eyes were on her this ear piercing squeal/cry/laugh/smile was done. We all had a laugh or two and were back to our conversations. But this did not make her happy her attention seeking ways were not satisfied. About 5 minutes later I started to watch her and as she looked around the room to see who was looking at her, when she decided there were not enough people loving on her she started the squeal/fake cry and let us know "I AM HERE!" And then once again all attention was on her! Perfect, the plan was effective and had accomplished exactly what she wanted. Genius.... 3 1/2 months old and she already has down what many people try to perfect for years. And even gets results immediately. I am a proud proud mom. :)

Our uninvited guest

2009-07-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

Last night at approximately 4 am Ben and I were awaken to a crying baby...... now before you freak out, this story is not as scary as it sounds, that is unless you are scared of bugs... So back to the story. Evie woke up at 4 crying and ready for her morning feeding. As Ben and I got up, he changed her and I started to make her bottle. We got her settled into her car seat, her favorite sleeping spot right now and put her on the bed with me. As I started to get comfortable and ease into another sleepless feeding state I notice the intruder, the horrible black invader who had snuck into our safe home and began to lurk around our furniture. Right there on our big, soft pillow on the twin bed in Evie's room was a cockroach. Now I am not scared of bugs but to be surprised by this large, disease spreading insect is something different. After movie Evie to a safe location I called to Ben as quietly as I could as not to startle Evesters in her midnight feeding time, but then when he wasnt responding I had to yell that there was something wrong. Ben, my hero, my handsome, strong Ben came to the rescue. The only problem is that he is scared of cockroaches, bugs arent his forte. But being the man of the house, the provider, the protecter he decided to man up and save the day/night! After crudely arranging some paper towels together in a make shift "bug catcher" he slowly inched towards the bed. Just in case the bug saw him he slowly crouched down and hid beside the bed as to launch a sneak attack. But his nerves got the best of him and canceled the mission. After looking around at our next best option, we opted for an empty wipe box so that we could humanely capture this horrid monster and set him free into the night. But that was too hard we found out. Finally at the same time we realized our best hope of getting back to a safe house was to vacuum him up! Dust Buster to the rescue. Ben started up the dust buster and sucked the insect up. Keeping it running he slowly backed out of the room and making sure he had sucked it up all the way he pointed the tip of the vacuum at the mirror so he did not have to get close to the creature and then ran out into the breeze way to dump out the contents of the make shift "catching device". We all knew the feeling that comes when you know a bug is around or has infiltrated your personal space. That itchy, oogey feeling that there is always something on you. As Ben was emptying out the cockroaches final resting place a moth flew by and out came a girly scream that a school girl would make and he ran back inside. My hero had saved the day and though we were very itchy and sure that there was something crawling all over us for the rest of the night I knew that Ben had stepped up and protected his family from the infamous "la cucaracha" and could sleep soundly for the rest of the night. I am one lucky girl and couldnt ask for a better bug catcher/hubby!

Styles by Evlyn

2009-07-12T18:48:00.000-07:00

This morning Evie and I had girl time and as we bonded in the bathroom as I got ready I introduced her to my "famous" dancing and singing style :) We were having a grand ole time singing to Mariah Carey's "Always be my baby" when I went in to the closet to put on what I thought would be my outfit of choice for the day. But Evie had another plan in mind. As I came out in my first outfit a long back summer dress with cute gold sandals, our fun girl time turned into a cryfest. Apparently my outfit did NOT make her happy and she wasn't embarrassed to show me. Okay, so onto the next outfit, a cute strapless sundress with a cardigan over it and adorable brown sandals, hair up and ready to go but as soon as my "stylist" laid eyes on the second option another smile turned to a quivering lip and I knew that was a "NO" as well. Searching throughout the closet for something that would appease my 3 month old, I showed her many other choices, asking her which ones she liked the most, thinking to myself how if anyone saw me at this point they would just shake their heads and think I had lost it. Finally I picked out a cute dress that I had gotten at Target, my little shopping heaven, and put on some cute shoes, put the hair up and my daughter who will smile at a turning fan finally was able to muster up a smile of approval for her mom and add a squeal in as to say " thank you, you finally picked something I can live with!" I have always wanted a stylist but I never knew it would come in the form of someone who poops their own pants, spills their dinner on their own outfits and has a "Frank Barrone" hair cut but hey ill take what I get especially if they are as cute as my Evie Bug. :)

The Joys of Teaching

2009-07-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

So in the fall I am going back to Birdville to coach volleyball and teach World History. I am sad that I have to go back and work but I really feel like this is where I need to be at this point and this is where the Lord is using me. I love my students and while at the beginning they were the best form of birth control, assuring me I didnt want kids for at least 10 years if mine were going to turn out like the teenagers I taught ( obviously that birth control method, the heck-no-ill-never-have-kids-if -they -will-be-like-them method, didnt work) i really do love them and the Lord as usual has used them to teach me so much. I have found that if you keep your eyes and ears and heart open to his voice and direction he can speak to you in so many ways. As I go back this fall for my 3rd year I have started to pray for my students and started to think of the interesting to say the least events that have made up my first two years. Here are a few of my favorites

- As I was talking about the beginning of man kind and what characteristics make up a civilization, I just knew I was wowing my 3rd period class and I could tell one by one each was falling in love with history, thinking to themselves " Where has this teacher been my whole life?" when a girl yells out, (without raising her hand mind you, even after we practiced this) "uh Miss, I need some birth control" ! "Excuse me?" I said with a look of shock all over my face that could not be hidden. At orientation they had told us to always remain in control of your actions, words and body language in the classroom but there was no preparing me for this. We only practiced saying no when they continually asked to use the restroom, no lesson was taught on birth control outburst. " I said I need some birth control, I want to have sex this weekend and want to be safe" she repeated totally unashamed or unaware of my totally awesome,possibly life-changing lesson that was being taught. All I could think was, "think Lauren think, say something that will change her mind and make her turn into a nun until she is married" But as the smooth, professional I am, I just squeaked out, " uh hmm, sex and drugs kill" and got back to the lesson...... she ended up in jail BUT not pregnant so my job was done! :)

-My classroom, C302 is a breeding ground apparently. In the 2 years that I have taught in that room 5 couples have met and been rather "active" and now have children. And I as well got pregnant and now have a beautiful baby girl. It was really weird walking into class and being the same size or having the same issues as 15 year old girls in my class, the only differences being my wedding ring ( which is not a prerequisite to them) and the fact that I could drive myself to my appointments and didnt need my mommy to take me. And while I was out on maternity leave so were they... those of you who want children, come visit me soon and often and your wish will come true.... those of you who DONT, STAY AWAY FAR FAR AWAY!

- My first game that I coached was full of excitement, embarrassment and lessons learned. It was already a rough day, my hair was greasy, I had khaki cargo shorts on ( which of course were out of style), a couple zits, a shirt that was 2 sizes to big, had forgotten my deodorant on this hot, humid August day and of course I was nervous about my first real coaching job. As I was getting off the bus I turned around to say something to the girls and missed not just the first or second step but i missed them all and went from the top step of the bus directly to the concrete below. There was no pass Go and collect $200, it was straight down, no stopping. All that stopped me were my knees on pavement, as I did this i yelled," crap!!! (loud enough for my grandmother to hear) as I plummeted to the concrete abyss below only to have 50 pairs of eyes watching my less than graceful decent take place. As soon as I hit the ground I popped back up , the only thing that was keeping me going was my pride. I got back on the bus and told the girls that everything was fine and not to tell a soul what they just saw. Of course this did not mean anything to them and I still to this day have parents ask me about my fall. I wanted to make an impact on these young girl's lives, I just went about it in a different way. Greatness Lauren just great.

- As an assistant coach I wear many hats, one of which is copy girl. I was told to go make copies for a parent meeting that we were having and set off to get this done before everyone arrived. The difficult thing about the school is that there are so many doors and different keys are used for so many of them so its a hit and miss type of situation trying to maneuver your way around when they are closed, especially on the weekends when no one is there. But after finally walking half way around the school and finding a door that would accept my key i got in only to find that I needed to get through a gate which I was sure I had a key for. I got through the first gate, closed it and went towards the second only to find that my key DID NOT work and turned around to find that the first gate had closed on me and was locked from the outside. After trying to wiggle the cage, truly believing this would magically unlock it somehow, I sat there calling out, softly at first, then louder and louder for about 10 minutes like a caged animal waiting for its release, for someone to come and let me out so I could return to my duties as an assistant. I was failing before I even got to the job, how would this look if I couldn't even complete the simple task of copies. Finally after I had yelled loud enough for anyone to hear me and was convinced I would just have to die of starvation or just wait for Monday morning to come around when the students came back to school to let me out, my savior came! Okay not really my savior that is still a little while away, but it was like an angel was coming to save me, my angel was in the form of a little hispanic janitor who did not speak english but I believe that the desperation in my eyes could transcend any language barrier. She let me out, hiding her smile as she did so and released me from my prison. All I could eek out was "gracias" and walk away quickly with my head down. I knew that someday, somewhere there was going to be some security person having a boring uneventful day until my 15 minutes of fame came up on the video and this would brighten his day, as a grown adult got stuck in the "cage". I really wonder if Im the only one this has happened to, im sure ill never really know.

We will see what is to come within the next year, I'll keep you posted.

Realities/Confessions of a New Mom

2009-07-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

So much in my life has changed now that I am a mother, both good and not bad but very interesting things. Here are few of my confessions of a new, inexperienced but in love mother.

1. I never would have known that my type would be bald, with a couple chins, toothless, with a round belly and thunder thighs. That grin and giggle gets me every time.

2. I have tried her nose aspirator, just once and never again, it felt like it sucked my brains out. I dont understand how Evie smiles and laughs every time I use it on her.

3. I have been pooped and peed on more than I would ever like, but realize its true what they say, " its different when its your own"

4. I never have or never will taste my milk or her formula, she is a "healthy sized" girl so apparently she likes the taste and she is going strong, no need to try it... ever! Thank you though from those of you who say I should, no thanks ill stick with my own skim milk in the fridge.

5. Sleep is not a necessity, the zombie like state that I walk around in most of the time is kind of nice. Im in my own little world. My own little sleepless, showerless ( at times ), accidently skipping meals- world is great, Im the Queen of it!

5. My cabinets are no longer mine, they are a treasure chest of bottles, nipples, formula, breast pump ( with dust on it, ill get to this later), spoons, and all the baby necessities you will need. Where are my glasses you ask? Im not really sure, ill find them one day :)

6. I was once a "buffet" for my daughter, a milk cow, her food source. But apparently I was a picked through buffet with not much left, a skinny, anorexic cow, a shallow food source because I apparently do not make enough milk to sustain my daughter's healthy appetite. I was creating a starving child by only making 2 ounces each time I fed her when as soon as we switched to formula and the bottle she was eating up to 5 ounces at a time. No wonder she was crying alot!

7. If I could still breastfeed I would, great way to lose weight :) At times I feel like Im a bad mom because I cant, but oh the freedom that bottle feeding brings!

8. Smiles, sitting up, giggling, holding head up, following someone and their voice are milestones that I never knew I would celebrate much less, video tape endlessly and tell everyone around me about until Im blue in the face.

9. Burping and gas are a wanted thing, not only to ensure a calm and happy baby but also for a couple laughs by those who are around at the time.

10. Never saw this playing out:

Me: " Evie do you love mommy?"

Evie: Grunts loudly, passes gas and smiles

Me: "Ill take that as a yes! "

The way the Lord speaks to you or uses others to speak to you is always amazing to me. Through dirty diapers, slober, smiles and giggles the Lord is daily loving and speaking to me. He loves me for my inadequacies, my flaws, my milestones, my confessions, every little thing and he smiles and his heart warms like a new mother when we accomplish the things he has set out before us or as we "grow" in him from a child to a mature adult in him. Oh what a wonderful blessing it is to be able to experience the joys of parenthood and realize the pain and want to comfort and protect at the same time.

Great Friends, Deep Conversation, the heart of the Lord

2009-07-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

The Lord never ceases to amaze me. Tonight I had a "date" with Ash Kep and it was just what I needed. We had girl time and just talked about our hearts and what the Lord has been doing in our lives. Its so amazing to me that we are going through the same thing but are at different stages of life. The Lord is so good and used her to speak to me. So thanks Ash for having such an open and earnest thirst for the Lord and sharing that with me. Ash gave me this verse, or actually chapter that the Lord had laid on her heart for me and it spoke to me in so many different ways. The chapter is Isaiah 49. It was such a wonderful thing to hear that: " Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me. Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I WILL NOT FORGET YOU! See, I HAVE ENGRAVED YOU ON THE PALM OF MY HANDS; YOUR WALLS ARE EVER BEFORE ME."

All that I am going through and all that the Lord is bringing to light is painful but beautiful. I asked the Lord to change me and bring me to him and show me what was hindering my walk with him and what I am holding on to that is keeping me from fully and completely trusting in him and he is doing so. Its a hard thing to have your weaknesses and flaws brought before you but its also amazing the mercy and grace that you can find in the middle of all who he is.

All of this can be summed up into one thing that is so incredible to me. All of this is so painful yet at the same time so unmistakably beautiful and life changing. I love how he is changing me from the inside out.

A happy but searching heart

2009-07-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

The Lord has been working in my life right now in amazing ways. He is forming me more and more in his image but it is also something that has been very hard. There are still things that I am desperately holding onto that he is softly saying, " My child let go and trust me, fall into my arms and there you will find peace". But stubborn ole me keeps on clinging. And the funny thing is that I dont even know what im holding on to. I dont know if any of you have ever experienced this feeling, but the one of separation from the Lord. While I know that sin causes the ultimate separation from him, his redemption, grace and mercy makes each day new for me. He is not separated from me but I feel far away at times. But there is so much in my heart that is yearning for more of him and answers and strength and I feel so alone at times and I feel as though I am in a desert. Where is my Lord? Answer me father, for I cry out to you. (psalm 119:169-176). But he has given Psalms 121. But there is still a yearning. Still questions in my heart and my head. He has always and will always be faithful and I know its times like these that he brings us closer to him but at the same time it is so hard. So many questions are in my mind, so many people and situations tug at my heart. "I pray for Ben's safety overseas, please bring bubba home safely, who will watch Evie while I work full time, give me the strength to go back to work full time, thank you Lord for my beautiful child and please protect her as she grows,change me and my heart as I become a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, sister in law and friend, pray for my family, friends who are hurting, ill, or just worn out from life, help us as we continue to serve you, please be with my future and past students who are hurting and searching, where do you want Ben and I in the next year, there is a longing to serve you but how will you use me, im longing for a mentor who can walk with me through this time in my life, I would love to get plugged into church with the youth but will I have time, have i over committed?" There is so much that I am anxious about yet a wonderful feeling comes over me and he softly whispers to me " I AM in control, meet with me Lauren, dont let these things come before me, let me LOVE you and LEAD you, come meet with me" And at that time I realize that I have said it with my mouth a thousand times, " He is faithful and in control" but how often do i really let myself believe it? He continually shows me that he has a perfect plan for my life, now all I need to do is seek him and daily live and love in his word and the growth, both wonderfully painful and beautiful at the same time. So anxious heart, stop your worrying, the Lord wants to meet with me and LOVE on me. Let him and start to be healed.

Pics from the Muddy Pond aka Galveston

2009-06-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

So tired from the trip

Beautiful Eyes

She loved the car ride

At the Beach with daddy

Riding in style and watching Baby Einstein

Girl Talk

2009-06-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this website this weekend when I was praying over some stuff.

Its called girltalk and I love it. The Lord has really been working on and in my life so much these past couple months and this is another thing he has used to speak to me! What a wonderful God we serve.

http://girltalkhome.com

Big weekend!

2009-06-28T18:52:00.001-07:00

We went to Galveston this weekend and had so much fun. We got to stay at the San Luis with the family and eat our fair share of seafood! It was wonderful. I love being with family and getting to love on them and be loved on. We went to Galveston for my grandparent's 60th anniversary party celebration. It is such an inspiration and a blessing to see them and their relationship.

There were big milestones this weekend! Evie had her first big vacation and trip. She went to the beach and she loved the water, she didnt get to stay out too long though because it was so hot. She had her cute little bathing suit on and loved the feel of the sand and the water. She also laughed for the first time today. I love each new thing that comes with each week and each month and its the sweetest sound to hear. Its adorable! She is smiling more and more and is such a good baby and loves to be around people and is very attentive. She loves to move and look around and is such wiggle worm.

Ill try to post pictures soon of the beach!

More pics

2009-06-25T07:09:00.001-07:00

Just got done swimming, or more like dipping our feet in!

My mother in law, sister in law, niece, and mother at Evie's sip and see shower

I love this picture ( Compliments of Prange Photography )

This is how I found her when I went to get her out of the car

Getting ready to go swimming :)

2 1/2 months

2009-06-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

So Evlyn Grace is now 2 1/2 months. Its amazing how time flies by. She started to smile about a month ago but now she is starting to talk and she has alot to say! :) She loves to look at the fan and watch her Baby Einstein movies. At her 2 month appointment she had almost doubled her weight and now weighs 12.4 lbs and is 23 inches. She grew 3 inches in about a month. She is so much fun and its amazing how she has changed our lives! The doctor says she has great head control and great muscle tone :) and that she is a very very active baby ( which we know and experience every day and EVERY NIGHT! ) the girl likes to move around and talk no matter what time of day or night it is. This weekend we are going to Galveston for her first big trip to celebrate my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. Its going to be so much fun and I cant wait for the family to see her.
As she continues to grow I daily pray that the Lord will use her to bring people to him. She is going to change lives I just know it.
I am trying to post a couple pictures but not sure really how to do is so we will have to see how it turns out.

Evlyn Grace is here!

2009-04-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

On April 8 at 5:17 pm we welcomed our little girl into this world! I was induced that day starting at 7:30 and after a fun eventful day our beautiful blue eyed baby was here! Its been fun and interesting learning to be a mom and i cant wait to see what is to come! I love her more and more each day! She has a little fiesty attitude and keeps us on our toes! Ill try and post some pictures!

She was 19.5 inches and 6 lbs and 8 oz!

Life Now

2009-03-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well of course as usual I have fallen behind on writing. But here is an update....

I have about 3 weeks til Evlyn Grace is here and we finished her room today! She is getting so big and they said she is going to be a "healthy" baby! I cant wait to love on her. She already has Ben wrapped around her finger. Samson makes sure everything we get is sniffed and checked out! I think he will like having a little sister :) But we will see....
I have only about 2 1/2 weeks left of school then Im done. Its going to be a big life change but I am getting ready for it. More later.

8 things

2009-01-26T09:36:00.001-08:00

There is alot that has happened lately and Ill fill you in soon...... had a joint shower with Weslee, got to see my beautiful baby girl on a 4D sonogram and the list goes on but I just saw that Ashie tagged me on her blog so here I go.

8 Shows I'm Watching this Spring

1. The Office
2. True Beauty---its soo addicting
3. Try outs for American Idol- Im not into the rest really
4. True Life-- go old MTV
5. John and Kate Plus 8
6. Friends
7. The Bachelor- when friends are watching
This is weird that I watch this much cuz I dont have that much time.

8 Things That Happened to me Today

1. Taught school
2. Ate a Cadburry Egg- my favorite!
3. Emailed my mama
4. Showed Evie's pics to Courtney
5. Prayed that the Lord would use me to show his love to my students
6. started to write thank you notes for the shower
7. going to practice outside today until 6:30 for softball tryouts
8. Felt Evie kick alot!!!! :)

8 Things I Look Forward To:

1. April 2009
2. Loving my hubby more and more each day!
3. My baby showers
4. Decorating Evie's room
5. Dinner dates with the Schroeders
6. Seeing where the Lord takes me to work
7. working out hard after the baby is here to get my body back! :)
8. Spending time with just me, Evie and Sammy during the day!

8 Things I Wish For:

1. A healthy, happy baby girl
2. I got more sleep at night
3. Child birth with no pain.... you said wish, not reality!
4. For Evie to be as close with Shiloh as I am with Weslee
5. For my body back! :)
6. A day where all food had no calories

Getting Closer!

2009-01-22T06:25:00.000-08:00

I am now officially 7 months and when I went to the doctor the other day they said I was 28 weeks but measuring 30 which means she is about the size of a 30 week old baby. Which isnt bad. She is very long and skinny. So we will see how it all turns out! I am getting so excited for her to be here! Last night she woke me up because she had the hiccups for an HOUR! But its fun to feel her moving, even when it hurts :) and I find myself talking to her. I am sure people think I am going crazy when they see me rubbing my stomach and talking to it! But who cares! I have my first shower this weekend in Midland and I cant wait to see all my old friends and those who helped raise me! I am having a joint shower with Weslee one of my childhood best friends who means the world to me. We are both having little girls. We also get a free 4D sonogram after the shower so we will get to see what little fiesty Evie looks like. My mother and sister in law get to come and I am so excited to shower them where I grew up! Its going to be so much fun all around! I suck at posting pictures so if you want to see some you can go to my facebook account! The countdown has begun! 10-12 weeks left!
We are also finishing up our birthing classes! Let me tell you... if I wasnt pregnant and attending these classes I think I might be scared out of ever having kids. But they know that we are pretty much in this for the long run and cant do anything about it now so they tell us ALL the details! But I am blessed to have my mother in laws best friend in the room with me as my L&D nurse and her motto happens to be " NO PAIN" which I am all for! Ill keep you posted and try to write more. ( I always say that but I promise I will this time! )

Baby Evie

2009-01-08T09:35:00.000-08:00

So... I know its been forever since I have written but just wanted to fill you in... SO much has happened since we found out about the baby. I am due April 15th and we are having a little girl! We are naming her Evlyn Grace and calling her Evie. We are so excited and cant wait for her to join us. I am getting bigger! I didnt really start showing until about a month ago but I will be 7 months next week and I can definatly tell I am pregs! I will try and keep you posted more than I have! Hope everyone had a great holiday and hopefully Ill be able to add some pictures on here soon!

Baby Barksdale on its way

2008-09-17T09:33:00.000-07:00

Ben and I actually found out we were having a baby on August 13h but didnt want to tell anyone until we were further along. We had our first visit on Monday and found out we have a healthy little baby. It was punching and kicking and kind of jumping around.... I think it already has a little bit of ADD just like its dad. :) Its going to be great. We are both excited and surprised because this was not planned. But the Lord has been teaching me and leading me in his ways and over the past couple of months has gently been showing me the difference between a little thing called " My Plan" and a big thing called "HIS WILL". It will be so different when the baby comes but such a big blessing. I also get to be pregnant with two of my really good friends. We are due April 15, yes blessed tax day, and one friend is due April 4 and the other April 28th! How great! More to come soon. Please pray for "Cletus" that is what I call it.. Cletus the Fetus.. until we figure out what it is... :)

Things I learned

2008-08-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

Things I learned at the Brooke Fraser concert:
1. She has an amazing voice and I wish I had her sense of style
2. I am not someone who likes crowded places and I get VERY claustrophobic
3. i get very awkward when a tall man stands less than 2 inches from me and seems to be
hovering.
4. I can actually sing better than at LEAST ONE other human on this planet.... awkward man
5. I am getting old because it hurt my back and legs and shoulders standing for that long.
6. I wish I had an accent.
7. I think its rude when people cut in front of you.
8. I am NOT a fan of the faux hawk anymore since I stared at the back of one for 4 hours straight.
9. I wish I was a little more artistic and musical
10. I LOVE being with my friends no matter the place or time.

Praying with Patience

2008-07-29T13:57:00.000-07:00

Two things that I have been working so hard on lately are praying and not the "oh change him or change this Lord" type of prayers but real gut wrenching, embaressed to say it out loud, the cry of my heart type of praying. And patience something that the Lord really worked on in me during my first year of teaching :). It was great! I say that as a I clinch my fists and my teeth. I am still working on it obviously. I received a book called The Power of Praying wife and Ben got one called The Power of Praying Husband. I am hooked! The Lord has been working on my heart for over a year now with being a new wife and my responsibility to Ben and our marriage and this book has taken it to a new level. This all came about a month ago when I had hit a wall. I was tired of acting like nothing was wrong with me and trying to be this strong person for so many other people, but I was neglecting myself and my growth. And this in return affected my relationships. It wasn't a life altering thing that happened but it was a spirit altering situation. The Lord tugged on my heart one day and said " Come back to me" "Come lay at my feet and I will give you rest, I will heal your tired and weary soul" Many times throughout out the bible the Lord tell us " Do not be afraid for I am with you and I will bless you. - Genesis 26:24 " DO not be afraid for I am with you, Dont be discouraged because I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. - Isaiah 41:10 And over and over again the Lord gives us this promise. I had read these verses over and over again and it went in one ear and out the other. But now it was different, the Lord had gotten ahold of me and I was hooked. I started going to Recovery which is basically learning to die to yourself and all that keeps you in bondage. Slowly but surely I am healing. While there may not be actual scars my hard heart and confused spirit is coming back to Him. But I digress..... so..... as I am reading this book it speaks of prayer and the power of prayer and how you can come closer to your husband and how you can be his prayer warrior. I loved that I loved that I could be a verbal and nonverbal support for Ben. Ben has also started to read his book and it is unexplainable the feeling of love and support that I feel knowing my husband takes time out of his busy schedule to pray for me and support me no matter what. It is great knowing he is getting to the deepest part of my soul and praying for who I am as an unique individual that has been bonded to him for life. I love it!
But as I pray I learn that I must come to the Lord with a pure heart and tell him to Change me, Lord. This is hard. All those secrets and small things that may not have seemed too big at that time are actually things that I am holding onto and not letting the Lord take control of. So these past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest but some of the most freeing times of my life. I am able to bear my soul with a God that already knows it all and still loves me, things that I am ashamed to admit even by myself and he loves me despite it. As I take each step closer and closer to the Lord he has also taught me patience. So often we want results now and cant wait. But some of the beauty of these answered prayers or revelations are found in the wait and the time I can meditate on what he wants me to see and hear and think over. It is sooo liberating and has deepened my love, admiration and knowledge for my heavenly father. Please pray that I keep my heart open to where he is leading me in certain ways.

My glory or His?

2008-07-22T20:48:00.001-07:00

I am going to classes this summer for my teacher certification. And they are teaching us so much but they are also trying to "pump" us up about being great extraordinary teachers. I agree that teaching is a calling and that there a few people that can do it and really have a passion and love for it. But I DO NOT THINK that getting recognition for being a teacher is part of it. Yes we all love the pat on the back and the encouragement from others BUT I feel as though they are trying to inspire us to be like the teachers in Stand and Deliver or Freedom Writers or Coach Carter, in the spot light and in the papers. But as I listen I got more and more uneasy and I felt something wasnt right. Being the type A, OCD person I am I began to stress out about being this super teacher and the teacher everyone speaks soo highly of. I have a passion for HIstory and love for the students but the fact that I get too stressed out is not good for my health, my relationships or my relationship with the Lord. I mean come on everyone wants to be known and everyone likes to be seen as a hero. But this one thought kept running through my head and heart as the overwhelming amount of info kept coming in, the stress continued to build and the thought of being the next big thing in education swam around in my head, Am i here to bring glory to my name OR to His?
And that is when it hit me, its NOT about me its about Him. I am here to give all I have to the students, in the classroom and on the court, but that is it. I can only give as much as I have and as much as I am. Everything else comes from Him and is for him. Its not about me, its not about what I can do but how he can use me and what he can do through me for him. I know what I am good at, and I know that it is all from and for Him.
So whether I work for the rest of my life without any recognition or work three years and become the most popular teacher around, it doesnt matter, its not about me and what I can do as a stressball but what how I allow him to use me to honor him and bring HIM GLORY!
I have an overwhelming sense of peace about this. This year will have its ups and downs but they are all covered in prayer and his grace and surrounded by his will and his hands.

Family Reunion

2008-07-15T16:42:00.001-07:00

So this weekend will be bittersweet. We have the annual family reunion for the Hicks ( ben's side) which is ALWAYS a blast. But we also have his uncle's funeral. So while the get together will be all time fun, the fact that we have to meet together on such a sad occasion will be kinda of a bummer. Pray for Ben's family as they go through this trying time.
Ill have alot of stories to share when I get back on Sunday im sure.

ME

2008-07-14T17:43:00.001-07:00

So I got this from Ashie... I should be doing my ECAP homework right now but......forget it! Id rather do this... Thats great coming from a teacher huh? Some may be the same as Ash's

I AM: a deep thinker, but dont always show it. dreamer. lover/fighter. romantic. passionate. OCD at times.
I THINK: that everyone is mostly good, but occasionally does bad. There is pure joy in the center of God's will.
a good heart to heart can solve soo many problems. A smile is the same in any language.
I KNOW: that jesus is my savior. that the lord has me right where he wants me. that i love to work out.
I am too tough at times and wayyy to soft at others.
I WANT: to be the best at whatever I do. Be an awesome mom one day. To be in a fitness magazine.
To snap my fingers and my house be cleaned. Be the best friend and best daughter.
To go to New York at christmas time. to go on a cruise next summer. To play with my soon to be niece.
To work with women one day, speaking to them and listening to them. People to see something different in me.
To laugh until my stomach hurts. Eat, eat and eat and not gain a pound. :) To serve in a ministry with Ben one day.
I HAVE: a workout addiction. The most amazing puppy ever, Samson. My knight, Ben. The most amazing family.
Friends that know me for who I am and still love me. an energy drink addiction.
I WISH: that i could be content in every stage of life without thinkin about it! I wasn't addicted to Facebook or the TV.
I wasnt such a baby sometimes. I was a better wife at times. That I could go back to Africa. I lived on a lake.
I could always make people laugh and smile, leave a lasting impact or legacy with others.
I HATE: fakeness, meaness, people who are cocky. Rude people. lizards, horny toads, frogs. Brussel sprouts. Meat Loaf. smacking.
I MISS: college at times. playing volleyball. being a little girl. my good friends who live in different cities.
I FEEL: worn out but upbeat. Joyful and peaceful. hopeful. loved.
I CRAVE: deep meaningful relationships. chocolate at times. Long talks and really getting to know people.
dancing, sounds weird but sometimes i just want to go out and dance.
I SEARCH: for different foods. cute purses. the perfect jean. great workout clothing. The Lord's will in my life.
I WONDER: what the next year will look like. What type of mom Ill be. What life will be like in 5 years. What heaven will be like.
I REGRET: nothing. I am who I am because of my decisions.
I LOVE: Jesus, my benny and sammy, my family, volleyball. working out, eating healthy ( salads especially),
learning new words ( in spanish too), Friends, snuggling, the rain. Teaching and coaching.
I CARE: about others, even if I know them or not. Way too much at times.
I AM NOT: b0ring, okay with meanesss, short. always content, but im working on that. fake, good at science or math
I BELIEVE: that everything happens for a reason. true love takes work. There is beauty and pain the journey.
That this life is NOT about me.
I DANCE: anytime im in the mood. in the car, in the apt. whenever the time is right!
I SING: everywhere.
I LAUGH: at random things and when im really tired. alotttt with old friends
I CRY: when im tired.
i DONT ALWAYS: want to go go go. pick up after myself.
clean the dishes right just so Ben will get frustrated and want to do it himself ;) shhhhhh
I WRITE: a to do list in my calendar just to cross it off. in my prayer journal. little notes to my hubby.
on my blog. letters to friends. on facebook walls, poems and songs sometimes
I LOSE: my keys and my phone.
i NEVER: want to get old, want to quit pursuing the Lord
i LISTEN: to friends, my family but dont always follow what they say. To what people may not be saying.
i CAN USUALLY BE FOUND: napping. working out. loving on others. working. smiling. thinking. praying. reading.
i AM SCARED: lizards, horny toads, frogs. Dark alleys
i NEED: undying love. Jesus. someone to make me laugh. someone who is not boring. friends. someone to push me to be my best. a good book to read. silence to really think over things.
i CANT WAIT: to see what the lord is going to do in my life. To really make an impact on my students lives.
To have a family one day ( actually I can wait for that) to finish my masters, to go back to Africa.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

2008-07-08T14:26:00.001-07:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Family websites - Free genealogy

A time for Everything

2008-07-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

So I am about to go work out but thought I might leave my thoughts on this last post before I leave.

This past year, I have been able to see the work of the Lord in me. It hasn't been great all the time it has even been hard. This past year met me with depression, stress, pain, sadness but at the same time, growth, laughter, faith, smiles and love. I have been reading and praying over Ecclesiastes 3. A Time for Everything. There is pain and joy in the journey but the journey isnt about me, its about Him. I have been trying to get that through my thick head, its NOT about ME, its about HIM. BE MY EVERYTHING

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

I love that he also says, " He has made everything beautiful in its time."

There is a plan and if i can put my pride aside and stop trying to make it about me

its amazing what he can do. He has NEVER once let me down, why do I still try to take control?

I dont ever want people to think I have it ALL together, I am always growing and changing and there is so much more I want to learn.

I am officially addicted!

2008-07-07T18:08:00.000-07:00

So I decided to add some pics of my boys, Ben and Samson! This is our lil fam!

First blog

2008-07-07T17:46:00.000-07:00

Hello to all! This is our first blog. It will probably be me, Ben says that he likes to be private.... but hopefully I can get him hooked on this :) I was over at Ash Keps and as we laughed over our Facebook stalking addiction she introduced me to the blogging world! My eyes have been opened!

Ben and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary and Samson our Rhodesian Ridgeback puppy is now 14 months old! He is getting so big. Since we dont have any children he is our spoiled lil boy! :)

The Lord has been working in our lives and I cant wait to see what is to come! He has such an amazing way of drawing us to him and showing us his amazing will. The peace that comes from following him and truly KNOWING him really takes your breath away.

More to come soon!